[ 30052008 1.15am | pensive... ]

i think i'm one of those, who heed a clear and happy mind, a healthy body to function well... if not i'm just haywire and unsettled.
its surprising how i can survive a full day on 4-5 hrs of sleep everynight. the excessive tea intake is making my teeth weird colours though.

in between packing the mountains of belongings that litter my room, i perch on the edge of my bed, trying to squeeze in some games on a too small table shared by my laptop, full set of peripherials - including my mako, destructor and everglide dkt board- whilst my back aches from sitting without support.

as cluttered and messy as my room is, so is my mind.
cynicism threatens to engulf me as i wonder about the recent events... and as i struggle to find a meaning to everything. a reason. my raison detre.

i didnt know what i was getting myself into. and as the fragments of my 23 years lie before me... i think i'm begining to realise... something.

he asked me. what is love?
i said. an illusion.
its not something that a couple needs to function, to be successful. it would make the journey more pleasant, but its not a necessity.
its more something... for life long partners... like... your best friend. your pet. its found somewhere else... where you find a rewarding relationship. and marriage, is just not a place for a rewarding relationship. the marriage, is functional. something you cultivate like a seed bed, and nurture children in.
it is something you use, to convince yourself that its right. to delude yourself into believing, hoping, giving.
i might sound too simplistic. and i'm sure there are many things you could say to refute me, to convince me to accept your point of view. perhaps i'm just not good with words. because this runs deeper than i can explain...

one thing i appreciate, is the peace and quiet of being alone. my parents are away. they'll be back soon, perhaps too soon.
i love being alone. it gives me the space, that i've been lacking in my life, to be introspective. perhaps it is because i'm given to solitude...

i dont like the way you're so easily swayed by every other thing that comes your way. but in the trauma and aftermath, i just have to learn to let go, let it be, and move. i'm good at moving. there may come a day when i move too far from where i am, and cannot find myself, and cannot recognise anything or anyone around me.

like a hangover, i have to get past the throbbing haze obscuring my view, before i break out and have my well deserved breath of fresh air.

lead me, and i will follow.
lead me. please.





为什么。。。 我的心会痛？ who are you to me to make me feel this way?

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食

假如我不曾爱你
我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置

[was blogging mostly based on imagination and feeling rather than personal circumstance ^^ dont ask me if i'm depressed $%&*!^]

[ 27052008 1.13pm | Kl Trip* ]

group photo at the curve.

in front : me, viv, hy, dawn, eliza
behind : xianv, paulyan, ppx, xiaoma, owspia

super gosu kisiao night man...

:) Paulyan` + me.

i look like i'm hanging on his arm, but its actually cos of the bag strap + half on jacket. ^^

he's doing the nerd weeeeeeeeeeee face while i attempt to smile sweetly. haha...

huayan, me, viv, eliza.
at a pushcart selling shades. cineleisure near 1 utama.




me + eliza.
in gary's car. wtf, play cutting here and there at 140km/h + my seatbelt spoilt! omgosh panic.

greenbox ktv again

myluvdestiny, gary, xianv, owspia, ppx, paulyan, xiaoma, viv, me, eliza, huayan, dawn


me + huayan

xin fu face once again.

machiam out of bed.

[ 260508 505pm | zomgosh ]

http://www.yankodesign.com/index.php/2008/04/22/beauty-is-skin-deep-geekness-is-to-the-core/

have to check this out~!
pants with keyboard sewn on zomgosh! talk about mobile gaming.

[ 21052008 dunno what time | ME!! ]

ok this portion is mostly for myself... cos theres too much info... and i want to put it somewhere.

www.kisa.ca/personality

Your personality type is ISTJ. [ check it out man... its so freaking skewed!!]
Introverted 86% Extraverted 14%
Sensing 64% Intuitive 36%
Thinking 90% Feeling 10%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving 23%

http://typelogic.com/istj.html
ISTJs are easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments. But they usually keep their feelings to themselves unless they are asked. And when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact. The grim determination of the ISTJ vindicates itself in officiation of sports events, judiciary functions, or an other situation which requires making tough calls and sticking to them.

http://www.personalitypage.com/ISTJ_car.html
ISTJs generally have the following traits:
Value tradition, security, and peaceful living
Will work long and hard to fulfill duties
Can be depended on to follow through on tasks
Loyal and faithful
Stable, practical and down-to-earth
Family-minded
Dislike doing things which don't make sense to them
Dislike abstract theory, unless they see the practical application
Natural leaders
Prefer to work alone, but work well in teams when necessary
Extremely observant, they take in facts via their senses and store them internally
Vast, rich inner store of facts which they rely on to understand problems which they encounter in their lives
Profound respect for facts and concrete information
Make decisions objectively, applying logic and rational thinking
Dislike change, unless they are shown it's benefit in a concrete way
Have strong opinions about the way things should be done
Appreciate structured, orderly environments
Have very high standards for their own behavior and the behavior of others
Not naturally in-tune with other people's feelings
Able to accomplish almost anything if they put their minds to it
Community minded "good citizens"

http://www.personalitypage.com/ISTJ_rel.html

The ISTJ's word is as good as gold, and they honor their commitments faithfully. They believe that to do otherwise would be nothing less than a breach of honor and trustworthiness. Consequently, they take their vows very seriously, and once they have said "I do", that means they are bound to the relationship until "death do us apart" or otherwise. ISTJs are driven to fulfill their responsibilities and duties, and will do so with tireless effort. They will do their best to meet the obligations presented by the different relationship roles which they play during their lives, i.e. spouse, parent, offspring, etc. They may have difficulty showing warmth, but they frequently feel it in abundance, and most develop the ability to show it through sheer effort. If nothing else, the ISTJ holds the gold medal of all the personality types for Effort. They will put forth tremendous amounts of effort to accomplish goals which are important to them. If healthy relationships are among these goals, you can bet that the ISTJ will do everything that they can to foster and maintain healthy relationships.

Honor their commitments
Take their relationship roles very seriously
Usually able to communicate what's on their minds with precision
Good listeners
Extremely good (albeit conservative) with money
Able to take constructive criticism well
Able to tolerate conflict situations without emotional upheaval
Able to dole out punishment or criticism when called for

ISTJs do not feel threatened by constructive criticism or conflict situations. When faced with criticism, the ISTJ is likely to believe that their point of view is correct. They have a tremendous amount of respect for Facts, and base their opinions on known facts and logic. Consequently, they have a hard time seeing the viability of viewpoints which don't match their own. When the ISTJ gets involved in a disagreement over a point, they usually begin to attempt to recruit the other person over to their own point of view, fully believing that they are right, and that the other individual simply needs to understand the facts of the situation. In such situations, the ISTJ may or may not be right, but their confidence in their own "rightness" can shake the confidence of others involved. This habit can quickly turn conversations into "win-lose" situations, and can present a special problem in intimate relationships. While they may inadvertantly shake the confidence of their colleagues with their "I'm right" approach, the same behavior may cause serious issues within their intimate relationships. The ISTJ's constant assertion of "rightness" may send a message to their mates that they do not value their opinions. If the ISTJ has a mate with a strong Feeling preference, they may inadvertantly wreak havoc with their self-esteem, since Feeling individuals are extremely sensitive to conflict and criticism, and are especially vulnerable in their intimate relationships.


***

on the whole i sound like a really scary person.

***

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YBfI-YEZ2kM&feature=related

thx shaun. ^^, [ INTP, my suitemate! ]

Introverted 82% Extraverted 18%
Intuitive 55% Sensing 45%
Thinking 50% Feeling 50%
Perceiving 55% Judging (J) 45%



Your personality type is INFP. [ ice = supplement ]
Introverted 61% Extraverted 39%
Intuitive 68% Sensing 32%
Feeling 65% Thinking 35%
Perceiving 68% Judging (J) 32%


Your personality type is INFP. [supplement]
Introverted 64% Extraverted 36%
Intuitive 68% Sensing 32%
Feeling 75% Thinking 25%
Perceiving 59% Judging (J) 41

[ 14052008 3.21pm | newspaper ]

and... heres the newspaper article that i unfortunately appeared in...................
^^,

[ 10052008 11.01pm eeeeee~ ]

2006

2007

2008.

[ 10052008 6.14pm newspapers! ]

straits times, saturday 10 may 2008, gen y@ work.
me! and my company!
^^,

[ CRAZY ]

私は本当に。。。わかりません。どうやってがいいんですか？？？？教えてください！
なにおしかたないン。。。ゲームおすることも。。。おかしですね。
心がいたい。。。頭もいたい。。。とても。。。
お酒お飲みたい。傷お緩和したいんでも。。。しらければなりません。
就这样而已。

[ 09052008 8.07pm | sigh. ]

Shou fang kai, qing ai de. Shou fang kai ba.

***

3721

[09052008 11.55am sigh? ]

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
4Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.


***

is this your answer?

***
http://www.souting.com/p/2455/82114.htm
雨下在我窗前
玻璃也在流眼泪
街上的人都看起来
比我幸福一点
用寂寞来测验
还是最想要你陪
曾一起走过的夏天
我常常会梦见
我猜不到你真正的感觉
思念写成脸上的黑眼圈
有的时候我宁愿
你对我坏一点
无法停止幻想我们的永远

爱你是孤单的心事
不懂你微笑的意思
只能像一朵向日葵
在夜里默默的坚持
爱你是孤单的心事
多希望你对我诚实
一直爱着你
用我自己的方式

我在你的心里
有没有一点特别
就怕你终究没发现
我还是在你身边
我猜不到你真正的感觉
思念写成脸上的黑眼圈
有的时候我宁愿
你对我坏一点
无法停止幻想我们的永远

爱你是孤单的心事
不懂你微笑的意思
只能像一朵向日葵
在夜里默默的坚持
爱你是孤单的心事
多希望你对我诚实
一直爱着你
用我自己的方式

[ 05052008 8.36pm omgosh? ]

i clicked this in friendster today. i have no idea why, other than that i was clearing all the friends requests, the comments, testimonials, and there was this link there... "NEW Horoscope" in bold, along with the "NEW Comment", "NEW Friend Requests" and whatever.

okay, so take a look at it first, before i continue.

Friendster Horoscope for May 5, 2008
The Bottom Line
Being critical is sometimes a challenge for you, but it is one you can handle today.
In Detail
You will have to be honest about what you think when you are asked to give your opinions, today -- whether it might hurt someone's feelings or not. There is no point in sharing your thoughts unless you share all of them, completely unedited. Tell them the good and the bad and don't candy-coat anything -- it's only going to waste their time. Being critical is sometimes a challenge for you, but it is one you can handle today. You can clearly see what's wrong and what's right.

Yeah, so i was kinda stunned. because, it was exactly what happened, just that i read it after it happened. i'll just pin it down to coincidence.

but. i'm actually quite a neutral person, when it comes to actually giving opinions. and i do try to be careful with my words. mostly.

but when i go no-holds-barred, i really just speak my mind, usually with a disclaimer "be prepared for what i'm about to say, i'm going to say it this way because theres no other way i can say it. i'm just going to be totally direct."

so... after trying to mince my words, unsuccessfully, i let loose. probably on the wrong person, unfortunately.

i CAN clearly see what my thoughts are, and when i say i cant think straight, its because i have no idea what i should do, it doesnt mean that i dont know what i'm thinking.

***

damn, i need to think of something controversial to blog about. being non-controversial seems so boring...

but i guess thats just me. mincing my words, and making sure that what i say isnt too offensive. or if it is offensive, that its at least factual. i need to be pressure cooked before i actually explode with a string of expletives in a raised voice.

***

anyhow, some photos... cos i'm bored (and boring)

sherlynn's wedding dinner at sentosa

dinner with shen @ thai express.
*me licks shen

some weird advertisement outside mustafa that bryan sent me
the "wild oats" and "horny goat" like super pwned me

***

[i'll always remember the day dong introduced me to this song...
some... 5 years ago? in 2003? ^^
i wrote the title on my hand, in pen, in shen's old BMW. then went home to search for it.
recently digging up alot of old songs, alot of which are still buried in my old laptop...
along with old songs, come memories. ]

终于做了这个决定
别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃
爱真的需要勇气
来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定
我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气
去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里你的真心
如果我的坚强任性
会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急更害怕错过你

[ 03052008 10.26pm argh.weak ]

just back from hammy's. i ate the minute i arrived, and i ate til the last minute before i left. haha... of course i took a break to sleep off the alcohol for 2 hrs in between, but thats besides the point. staying at his house will help me put on weight! his mum sweetly gave me a packet of rendang spices. ^^ and invited us over for a month end thing again!
so... on to the alcohol. his mum made a fruit punch, and put in half a bottle of Gin. somehow, theres just no alcohol taste. no idea why. and its a really yummy fruit punch. so i had 3/4 of a plastic cup, and turned red. GG. i had a second cup, cos i thot it was really weak, (cos i couldnt taste it AT ALL) then i had a headache, and went up to sleep.
sugar and bruno are so squashable. sugar especially. bruno is surprisingly cute for a jack russel, he looks so funny when he sleeps. and sugar is an extremely fat cocker spaniel... she eats ANYTHING. seriously. fruits, salad, EVERYTHING. *laughs at images of her ass being pressed down and trying to struggle up.
ok... off to game off my alcohol induced headache.............

http://youtube.com/watch?v=a4EHirtGDbE <-- a song i used to mass listen to. rediscovered it. i like "i believe" as well.


Say goodnight晚安
谢谢你陪我一整个夜晚
Close your eyes,be quiet
我明白你有自己的不安
很多来不及我不曾看见
我只遇见你的现在
不管你接受或离开
I hope to stay for a while
除此之外 要你明白
你的笑我真是喜欢看
于是我一次又一次等待
其实都还算愉快
除此之外 非常遗憾
你的心我还是打不开
And if you need somebody
我确定我会在
不会走开

So Goodbye晚安
舍不得看你觉得不自在
It's alright,I'm fine
看起来 这故事会写不完
很多差一点你没有发现
你只认识我的现在
不管你留下或走开
I'm gonna stay for a while
除此之外 我要你明白
你的笑我真是喜欢看
于是我一次又一次等待
其实都还算愉快
除此之外非常遗憾
你的心我还是打不开
And if you need somebody
我确定我会在
除此之外 我还在等待
你的心将为我敞开
But if you need somebody
你知道我会
不会走开

[ 01052008 11.13pm fans! ]

I GOT SOMEMORE FANS!
http://www.sghit.com/Tammy
lol...