Wednesday, October 27, 2010

[ 27102010 6.00pm | it doesnt matter ]

this is my keyphrase of the day. its gonna help me remember that it really doesnt matter.
its gonna remind me that i just need to remove myself emotionally and eventually become numb.
i hope i don't lose all semblance of self and become a non sentient creature. i was already a very unemotional person to begin with.

this week and this quarter is crazy. its slightly more than 2 months to the new year. 2011... is gonna be really interesting and i'm looking forward to it... in more aspects than one, it will change my life. not that a year really makes much of a difference, cos its just socially demarcated measurements of time. and its not like something like that can really change things... its more of how people use this progression of time and social concepts of time to make changes within and around themselves.

i need to post something more personal and more affected, rather than random concepts and neutral discussions.

slowly, ok?

Monday, October 25, 2010

This feels vaguely familiar...
"This" being the insomnia and emo music.
Ok. Its not vague at all. Lol.
Lyrics seem to jump out of songs and hit me with realisations, emotions and memories.
I wish I could take time off and immerse myself in games for a while. I need some kind of escape and distraction.
Enter the 'addiction' argument.
If only I could really be addicted to something better... Like computer games.
I am suddenly thinking of jc and uni with an unfamiliar sense of... Wistful-ness. It might be because that was probably the only time in my life when I was really happy.
Well... Not that I was happy throughout... But I was at my happiest then. I wouldn't ever say I was ever a simple person, but I guess I was less complicated.
I have to live my dreams. Nothing and no one can hold me back, except myself. But... What are my dreams.
I'm falling into the trap of stagnation and living in the past.
Break free!
2009 was a year of travelling.
2010 seems to be a year of winning. More, at least.
2011 shall be the year I send my life for an overhaul.
Nice. I'm making 2011 resolutions in oct 2010.
Silverchair is singing me to sleep slowly.
Diorama is soothing.
have an awful night, filled with nightmares and mosquitoes. With no love, your exceedingly unhappy fish.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

[ 24102010 11.10pm | whine. ]

i've been thinking about this certain person lately. someone i don't particularly want to think about cos this person, lets call it G, reminds me of a time in my life when i was really troubled and rather unhappy. G also was someone who directly added to my unhappiness.
its unfortunate that i've been forced to think about G again, because... i don't really want to... curiosity killed the cat. cat, being me, right now. it does matter to me that the people closest to me do not think of G in the same way as i do... but my opinion is just my opinion, and my choices are just my choices. as much as i'd like to impose my point of view on those around me, i won't. or at least, i'll try not to. and just remain silent, rather than pass snide comments.

i've also been thinking about H alot too. H is to a certain extent, someone who has qualities i admire. then again, don't most people have certain qualities that are worth admiring? anyhow... H is someone i admire. someone i don't necessarily respect... someone i don't necessarily trust. but admire anyway. admiration. what does it consist of? jealousy, love... insecurity.

J is another pain in the ass. when you have a person who has a strong mind, as strong as yourself, how do you reconcile that, when you fall into conflict? J is such a person to me.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

[ 21102010 6.03pm | tired.canigiveup? ]

i feel like i'm running in an endless race, and i want to just stop running cos its just so tiring. but i can't because if i do everything will change, i'll never know if i could ever finish the race, if indeed, there is ever an end to it.
just running and running.
maybe thats why i like to run on a track. because i have the end in sight.
i'm so tired... but its just me and the path, and i'm not willing to give in and say i'm weak. i'm not willing to fail, i want to finish this race.
what happens if i reach the end... and realise the end is just the start of another long race.

damn it. i feel so tired just thinking about all this.
and i want to go swimming later. or jogging. or something.
rhythm and exertion : the best cure for an unsettled mind.

i think i'll be going through a patch of writing. whether i publish it or not. writing is good. even though i'm hardly inspired and not talented.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010