perspective.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
[ 23042009 10.30am | fascinated ]
marilyn manson on Phantasmagoria :“I‘m going to do a lot of things that may end up being illegal. Until they are, I will do them. I think it will change people’s opinion about horror films and they will realize they’re not all about slasher”. “I might add that the girls playing Tweedledum and Tweedledee are twins who get to have real, genuine sex with each other. I like to make dreams come true”.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_manson
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
-the christmas wishlist-
I hope i never write something like this again.
Scratch that.
I will never write something like this again.
Ok i guess i won't know if i will or not in the future.
So lets keep the keyword at 'hope'.
***
J is a young child. As all young children are, they're impatient- they want something, and they want it now.
J demands for something only to be told by mum : wait a while more dear, save it for your christmas wishlist.
Kicking up a fuss never works with mum and dad, so J is forced to experience delayed gratification.
Never mind that half the things which were on the first draft of the wishlist were struck off by the time christmas arrived 3weeks later. nevermind that mum was wise to make J wait.
J learns, anyhow, to ponder wisely, to make careful decisions. To not always listen to what the heart wants.
***
Somewhere down the line, J slips up and becomes That Child again. J allows the heart to speak the impetus of a whirlwind of change as deliberation is forgotten- everything feels right... Well... ALMOST everything...
But that something can be suppressed... Suppressed for a future moment, suppressed for a better time.
But the moment never comes, and the time is never right.
***
So waiting takes on a new meaning - not so much delayed gratification... Not so much wise choices... - its the blind hope waiting for a Messiah who will never come.
***
Just another day, love.
There'll be time to re-learn it all...
And as i look at the feverish clarity of those eyes, the glint of something unfamiliar shimmers below...
Yes. The fracture which sets wrongly must be re-broken before it can start to mend.perfectly.
I bend down to my christmas wishlist, my pen nib to the first unbroken row of alphabets...
And slowly draw a line through them... Connecting them in black and white where real life failed.
***
***
***
Scratch that.
I will never write something like this again.
Ok i guess i won't know if i will or not in the future.
So lets keep the keyword at 'hope'.
***
J is a young child. As all young children are, they're impatient- they want something, and they want it now.
J demands for something only to be told by mum : wait a while more dear, save it for your christmas wishlist.
Kicking up a fuss never works with mum and dad, so J is forced to experience delayed gratification.
Never mind that half the things which were on the first draft of the wishlist were struck off by the time christmas arrived 3weeks later. nevermind that mum was wise to make J wait.
J learns, anyhow, to ponder wisely, to make careful decisions. To not always listen to what the heart wants.
***
Somewhere down the line, J slips up and becomes That Child again. J allows the heart to speak the impetus of a whirlwind of change as deliberation is forgotten- everything feels right... Well... ALMOST everything...
But that something can be suppressed... Suppressed for a future moment, suppressed for a better time.
But the moment never comes, and the time is never right.
***
So waiting takes on a new meaning - not so much delayed gratification... Not so much wise choices... - its the blind hope waiting for a Messiah who will never come.
***
Just another day, love.
There'll be time to re-learn it all...
And as i look at the feverish clarity of those eyes, the glint of something unfamiliar shimmers below...
Yes. The fracture which sets wrongly must be re-broken before it can start to mend.perfectly.
I bend down to my christmas wishlist, my pen nib to the first unbroken row of alphabets...
And slowly draw a line through them... Connecting them in black and white where real life failed.
***
***
***
Thursday, April 09, 2009
[ 090409 10.33am | stupor- ]
i've been feeling very flighty and inspired lately... there are so many projects that i want to build on, so many things i want to accomplish, and unexpected paths of life that i want to take.
2009 seems to be a pretty good year so far. if this were the end of the year and i was asked to describe it, i'd probably say its a year of reconciliation.
i've had people come up to me apologising for certain things... things like... events, or a state of affairs which were not totally my fault but were solely blamed on me.
i've had people putting aside long standing differences to work alongside me.
i've had out of touch friends look for me in an attempt to reconnect.
of course... there are some human relationships in my life which are still broken. i can't say that i have even the remotest desire to reconstruct them - keeping tabs on my current count of human relationships, and mantaining them is taking a large amount of effort in itself - but i have about 8 more months to fix them all before a new year starts.
it's a process of healing this strange convulated bundle of scarred thoughts and emotions that is me.
***
so... i went to camden medical centre to get my jaw checked out. after 10 years, i've finally been pushed to fix my poor aching jaw.
you'll have to pay me 1k to recount everything i learnt that day... all 2.5 hrs worth of it. but let me just elaborate on a few main points.
1) everything that could have gone wrong with me, did and has gone wrong. (will go wrong too? hope not)
2) mhm... actually its just that one point.
ok so... what has gone wrong with me, in simple terms
- i have extra stretchy collagen. so my ligaments aren't enough to hold my bones in place, because if my muscle is strong enough, it will be the thing pulling at my muscle instead of my ligaments
- orthodontic treatment has left me with a strange bite, which forces my jaw out of place, should i want to be able to chew.
- i'm a pretty stressed out person by nature, so i grind and clench my teeth way too much. in the day and at night.
all this means that
- my face shape is getting squarer and squarer because : my jaw muscles are 6x stronger than a normal person's (so there's muscle bulk being added), and the jaw muscles are pulling on my jaw bone causing microfractures. as these microfractures heal, more bone material is added onto my jaw (adding bone mass to my jaw = square)
- my jaw socket is pressing on a nerve (or more than one nerve) and blood vessels. which causes pain and headaches.
- the pull of my cheek/jaw muscle to hold my jaw joint away from the nerves has led to my head being tilted as my shoulder muscles try to compensate to make my vision level.
ok. anyway, this is for me to remember, mostly, why i am allowing myself to be put through expensive (and painful) correction. [including, potentially, botox to paralyse my hyperactive muscles so they won't continuously destroy my jaw - my poor jaw... which will look like a 60year old's jaw in 10 years time if i don't seek treatment NOW]
isn't all this interesting? LOL i learnt to much that i feel like taking up dentistry and orthodontics now. (flighty mood in action)
at least i have an explaination for my constant achy-ness, and headachey-ness, and resulting lack of well-being.
a large part of me feels like there's too much of a fuss being made of everything...i don't like a fuss to be made out of things... its not like the pain isnt bearable and its not like i'm not managing. but i don't want to age 40 years in 10 years. my jaw joint at least.
***
ok i'm off to malaysia for cyber fusion. =D
2009 seems to be a pretty good year so far. if this were the end of the year and i was asked to describe it, i'd probably say its a year of reconciliation.
i've had people come up to me apologising for certain things... things like... events, or a state of affairs which were not totally my fault but were solely blamed on me.
i've had people putting aside long standing differences to work alongside me.
i've had out of touch friends look for me in an attempt to reconnect.
of course... there are some human relationships in my life which are still broken. i can't say that i have even the remotest desire to reconstruct them - keeping tabs on my current count of human relationships, and mantaining them is taking a large amount of effort in itself - but i have about 8 more months to fix them all before a new year starts.
it's a process of healing this strange convulated bundle of scarred thoughts and emotions that is me.
***
so... i went to camden medical centre to get my jaw checked out. after 10 years, i've finally been pushed to fix my poor aching jaw.
you'll have to pay me 1k to recount everything i learnt that day... all 2.5 hrs worth of it. but let me just elaborate on a few main points.
1) everything that could have gone wrong with me, did and has gone wrong. (will go wrong too? hope not)
2) mhm... actually its just that one point.
ok so... what has gone wrong with me, in simple terms
- i have extra stretchy collagen. so my ligaments aren't enough to hold my bones in place, because if my muscle is strong enough, it will be the thing pulling at my muscle instead of my ligaments
- orthodontic treatment has left me with a strange bite, which forces my jaw out of place, should i want to be able to chew.
- i'm a pretty stressed out person by nature, so i grind and clench my teeth way too much. in the day and at night.
all this means that
- my face shape is getting squarer and squarer because : my jaw muscles are 6x stronger than a normal person's (so there's muscle bulk being added), and the jaw muscles are pulling on my jaw bone causing microfractures. as these microfractures heal, more bone material is added onto my jaw (adding bone mass to my jaw = square)
- my jaw socket is pressing on a nerve (or more than one nerve) and blood vessels. which causes pain and headaches.
- the pull of my cheek/jaw muscle to hold my jaw joint away from the nerves has led to my head being tilted as my shoulder muscles try to compensate to make my vision level.
ok. anyway, this is for me to remember, mostly, why i am allowing myself to be put through expensive (and painful) correction. [including, potentially, botox to paralyse my hyperactive muscles so they won't continuously destroy my jaw - my poor jaw... which will look like a 60year old's jaw in 10 years time if i don't seek treatment NOW]
isn't all this interesting? LOL i learnt to much that i feel like taking up dentistry and orthodontics now. (flighty mood in action)
at least i have an explaination for my constant achy-ness, and headachey-ness, and resulting lack of well-being.
a large part of me feels like there's too much of a fuss being made of everything...i don't like a fuss to be made out of things... its not like the pain isnt bearable and its not like i'm not managing. but i don't want to age 40 years in 10 years. my jaw joint at least.
***
ok i'm off to malaysia for cyber fusion. =D
Saturday, April 04, 2009
[ 04042009 12.10am | surprised* ]
i surprise myself, with the depth and acuteness of my feelings.
i guess the longing is buried somewhere deep, but undeniably present.
it's almost depressing, if not for the hope -
the unkillable, unsquashable little ember -
which will never expire til the day my body does.
should it extinguish before rational consciousness-
the hope which keeps us all going, will eventually be the thing that poisons you
worse than longing, worse than anything anyone else can inflict on you.
your own hope, crashing down on you.
*for as long as we shall live*
[its interesting how i changed from first person to speech to second person.... maybe i'm (un)consciously trying to generalise my statement..]
i guess the longing is buried somewhere deep, but undeniably present.
it's almost depressing, if not for the hope -
the unkillable, unsquashable little ember -
which will never expire til the day my body does.
should it extinguish before rational consciousness-
the hope which keeps us all going, will eventually be the thing that poisons you
worse than longing, worse than anything anyone else can inflict on you.
your own hope, crashing down on you.
*for as long as we shall live*
[its interesting how i changed from first person to speech to second person.... maybe i'm (un)consciously trying to generalise my statement..]
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