Thursday, April 09, 2009

[ 090409 10.33am | stupor- ]

i've been feeling very flighty and inspired lately... there are so many projects that i want to build on, so many things i want to accomplish, and unexpected paths of life that i want to take.
2009 seems to be a pretty good year so far. if this were the end of the year and i was asked to describe it, i'd probably say its a year of reconciliation.
i've had people come up to me apologising for certain things... things like... events, or a state of affairs which were not totally my fault but were solely blamed on me.
i've had people putting aside long standing differences to work alongside me.
i've had out of touch friends look for me in an attempt to reconnect.
of course... there are some human relationships in my life which are still broken. i can't say that i have even the remotest desire to reconstruct them - keeping tabs on my current count of human relationships, and mantaining them is taking a large amount of effort in itself - but i have about 8 more months to fix them all before a new year starts.
it's a process of healing this strange convulated bundle of scarred thoughts and emotions that is me.


so... i went to camden medical centre to get my jaw checked out. after 10 years, i've finally been pushed to fix my poor aching jaw.
you'll have to pay me 1k to recount everything i learnt that day... all 2.5 hrs worth of it. but let me just elaborate on a few main points.
1) everything that could have gone wrong with me, did and has gone wrong. (will go wrong too? hope not)
2) mhm... actually its just that one point.
ok so... what has gone wrong with me, in simple terms
- i have extra stretchy collagen. so my ligaments aren't enough to hold my bones in place, because if my muscle is strong enough, it will be the thing pulling at my muscle instead of my ligaments
- orthodontic treatment has left me with a strange bite, which forces my jaw out of place, should i want to be able to chew.
- i'm a pretty stressed out person by nature, so i grind and clench my teeth way too much. in the day and at night.
all this means that
- my face shape is getting squarer and squarer because : my jaw muscles are 6x stronger than a normal person's (so there's muscle bulk being added), and the jaw muscles are pulling on my jaw bone causing microfractures. as these microfractures heal, more bone material is added onto my jaw (adding bone mass to my jaw = square)
- my jaw socket is pressing on a nerve (or more than one nerve) and blood vessels. which causes pain and headaches.
- the pull of my cheek/jaw muscle to hold my jaw joint away from the nerves has led to my head being tilted as my shoulder muscles try to compensate to make my vision level.

ok. anyway, this is for me to remember, mostly, why i am allowing myself to be put through expensive (and painful) correction. [including, potentially, botox to paralyse my hyperactive muscles so they won't continuously destroy my jaw - my poor jaw... which will look like a 60year old's jaw in 10 years time if i don't seek treatment NOW]

isn't all this interesting? LOL i learnt to much that i feel like taking up dentistry and orthodontics now. (flighty mood in action)
at least i have an explaination for my constant achy-ness, and headachey-ness, and resulting lack of well-being.
a large part of me feels like there's too much of a fuss being made of everything...i don't like a fuss to be made out of things... its not like the pain isnt bearable and its not like i'm not managing. but i don't want to age 40 years in 10 years. my jaw joint at least.


ok i'm off to malaysia for cyber fusion. =D

No comments: