[ 30052008 1.15am | pensive... ]

i think i'm one of those, who heed a clear and happy mind, a healthy body to function well... if not i'm just haywire and unsettled.
its surprising how i can survive a full day on 4-5 hrs of sleep everynight. the excessive tea intake is making my teeth weird colours though.

in between packing the mountains of belongings that litter my room, i perch on the edge of my bed, trying to squeeze in some games on a too small table shared by my laptop, full set of peripherials - including my mako, destructor and everglide dkt board- whilst my back aches from sitting without support.

as cluttered and messy as my room is, so is my mind.
cynicism threatens to engulf me as i wonder about the recent events... and as i struggle to find a meaning to everything. a reason. my raison detre.

i didnt know what i was getting myself into. and as the fragments of my 23 years lie before me... i think i'm begining to realise... something.

he asked me. what is love?
i said. an illusion.
its not something that a couple needs to function, to be successful. it would make the journey more pleasant, but its not a necessity.
its more something... for life long partners... like... your best friend. your pet. its found somewhere else... where you find a rewarding relationship. and marriage, is just not a place for a rewarding relationship. the marriage, is functional. something you cultivate like a seed bed, and nurture children in.
it is something you use, to convince yourself that its right. to delude yourself into believing, hoping, giving.
i might sound too simplistic. and i'm sure there are many things you could say to refute me, to convince me to accept your point of view. perhaps i'm just not good with words. because this runs deeper than i can explain...

one thing i appreciate, is the peace and quiet of being alone. my parents are away. they'll be back soon, perhaps too soon.
i love being alone. it gives me the space, that i've been lacking in my life, to be introspective. perhaps it is because i'm given to solitude...

i dont like the way you're so easily swayed by every other thing that comes your way. but in the trauma and aftermath, i just have to learn to let go, let it be, and move. i'm good at moving. there may come a day when i move too far from where i am, and cannot find myself, and cannot recognise anything or anyone around me.

like a hangover, i have to get past the throbbing haze obscuring my view, before i break out and have my well deserved breath of fresh air.

lead me, and i will follow.
lead me. please.





为什么。。。 我的心会痛？ who are you to me to make me feel this way?

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食

假如我不曾爱你
我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置

[was blogging mostly based on imagination and feeling rather than personal circumstance ^^ dont ask me if i'm depressed $%&*!^]