-the christmas wishlist-

I hope i never write something like this again.
Scratch that.
I will never write something like this again.
Ok i guess i won't know if i will or not in the future.
So lets keep the keyword at 'hope'.

***
J is a young child. As all young children are, they're impatient- they want something, and they want it now.
J demands for something only to be told by mum : wait a while more dear, save it for your christmas wishlist.
Kicking up a fuss never works with mum and dad, so J is forced to experience delayed gratification.
Never mind that half the things which were on the first draft of the wishlist were struck off by the time christmas arrived 3weeks later. nevermind that mum was wise to make J wait.
J learns, anyhow, to ponder wisely, to make careful decisions. To not always listen to what the heart wants.
***
Somewhere down the line, J slips up and becomes That Child again. J allows the heart to speak the impetus of a whirlwind of change as deliberation is forgotten- everything feels right... Well... ALMOST everything...
But that something can be suppressed... Suppressed for a future moment, suppressed for a better time.
But the moment never comes, and the time is never right.
***
So waiting takes on a new meaning - not so much delayed gratification... Not so much wise choices... - its the blind hope waiting for a Messiah who will never come.
***
Just another day, love.
There'll be time to re-learn it all...
And as i look at the feverish clarity of those eyes, the glint of something unfamiliar shimmers below...
Yes. The fracture which sets wrongly must be re-broken before it can start to mend.perfectly.
I bend down to my christmas wishlist, my pen nib to the first unbroken row of alphabets...
And slowly draw a line through them... Connecting them in black and white where real life failed.
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