[ Some random date.Some random time | sanitycheck ]

I need to get this out of my mind. Dreams always manage to ruin me in a way that reality cannot.
Slept late, got woken up 2 hrs later by a dream, 2 hrs after by my phone and 2 more hrs on by my alarm.
2 might be my favourite number, but I'd like my hours of uninterrupted sleep to be in double digits...
Not that I would have managed to go back to sleep after being woken up the first time.
Have spent the day in a daze, trying to figure out what people are saying to me.
I think my blur expression is speaking volumes.

(What a mundane post. I'm yawning at the mere thought of proof-reading it.)

Oh well, I guess I always knew my greatest enemy is my mind. Figures that it would get me when I'm at my most vulnerable - asleep and oblivious to the physical dimension of my existence.
Indeed, I wouldn't expect anything less of it (it or myself?)

In this haze of sleeplessness very few things manage to reach through and speak to the sane bit of me.
One of those few things is a persistent, dull headache.
And the other is... This.

***
in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
that we'll have each other's backs
Cos we're that lucky
*

[ 23112010 2.42am | assumptions. ]

So. I went to the borders sale at suntec recently and farmed up $100 worth of books. That adds up to quite a few books, seeing as each cost from $2-$10. And I only had about... 3-5 $10 books.
The first one I read was called "Love and other natural disasters" and it documents a couples' journey through an emotional infidelity.
So. Assuming I had a bf, and this bf cheats on me, which would I find harder to accept - a one night stand, or a prolonged correspondence with some bitch where he shares his life and emotions with her.
Admittedly, if either happened, its end of story for me. After I rearrange his features and turn his appendages into bloody stumps, of course.
But if I HAD to pick one, I'd rather he had a one night stand.
At least that's something I can excuse a lapse in self control - its purely physical, with no emotions attached to it (hopefully).
Emotional infidelity is a lot more personal, its about sharing lives feelings thoughts... Things which should be OUR private domain.
Like, why are you able to tell her this, but you can't tell me?
That said, I believe both signal inherent problems in the relationship.
And both parties are liable.
It is hardly ever the sole fault of one side.
(Inclined to say, NEVER, actually.)
Pretty enlightening read actually.
I could think of quite a few people I'd like to introduce the book to.

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[ 20112010 12.55pm | rainyrain ]

I'm self amusing by looking at little clues that I leave and trying to figure out what other people must think when they see them.
I think I needa kick this tired, unmotivated feeling I have.
Its pouring, I hope orchard river doesn't act up again. Cos I'm in town by necessity and not by choice. I mean... Like... Who goes to town during the weekend unless they HAVE to.
I have no idea what I've been busy with in the week... But I have been, and am, unbearably short of time.

Bright, Cold, Silver Moon.
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[ 12112010 | MyTwistedReality* ]

i realise that the overarching mood of the majority of my dreams is sadness.
i don't know if this is because my general thoughts are of that genre... or whether i'm under the influence of my emo-music. or maybe i'm just suffering from chronic depression.
an intangible manifestation of my predominant waking-hour moods.

dreams where i'm escaping from a mystical creature... or dreams of a fantasy-land... preferable to dreams which leave me sobbing as i wake up, or dreams which i can't differentiate from reality.
dreaming about reality confuses me no end.

"i love you too much to make you stay... baby, fly away"

Is thought-full the same as thoughtful? I'm not sure how its spelt but that's how I feel. Full of thoughts.
I'm glad I'm not locked out tonight. That alone makes my day. Cos it does suck to have to spend the night somewhere not confortable and the wrong temperature.
Anyhow. No whining about that.
I make my own choices.
This seems to be the keyphrase of my life now.
And I gotta remember that everyone does make their own choices - it is their right to. But its also my right to react however I want to towards the choices that other people make.
I realise I'm in a more powerful position than I think I am. But with great power, comes great responsibility!
-enter the cheese-
Inclined to do a you post.
Ok I think I will.
You are so stupid but I know nothing will make you see the light except yourself. So I'll save my effort.
You like to make yourself out to be all that, but in fact, and I'm totally not shy to say this, you're no better than any of them.
What makes you think you're more deserving... Huh?
I'm so sorry... I seldom feel such deep remorse... But I do think I wronged you this time.
I much prefer you in the way I think of you, as compared to how you really are. Talk about delusional.
I have not changed my mind about you. Not one bit.
Anything that might be special in me, is YOU!
You're falling into the trap... Into the rut.
If only I could do what I want to do for you.
You're holding me there...
I hope you find your answer. We're all searching.
I've been locked inside this hoUse, while you hold the key...
You. [Insert sigh]

Relient K- Be My Escape Lyrics

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

[ 01112010 3.13pm | weird stomach pains. ]

if you were right and i was wrong, why are you the one who's gone
and i'm still here.

***
lyrics that don't really mean much... but they're just repeating in my head.
i'm getting less and less sleep.

i like the way your expression changes ever so slightly, and how you get awkward when i throw out a question you don't want to answer.
i like the way i intuitively know your next move.
i like the way i can see revelation cross your face.
i like the way i can feel, tangibly, what is intangible.
i like the way i simply... just... know... you.
it makes me feel powerful.

***
gastric pills are your best friend. =D