[ 26012010 12.10am | thanks... ]

its been a very long and tiring journey up to today.




i've been at the cusp ...



and it looks like i'm finally crossing over to the other side.



i'm not sure if its the light side or the dark side, but rest assured, i will be totally engulfed by which ever side i find there.



i'm am utterly grateful for the many helping hands this past month.



its like a scene in Advent Children where Cloud is boosted up into the sky to poke a monster. every step has people lending their support and encouraging him on.







so many things to be grateful for.



but in the end, you face the decision alone.



other people can only lead you there, you make the final call.







and tomorrow ... i hope i make it there before the final call. i have a tendency to be late for the first appointments of the day...



^^



its gonna be a good few days.



anything with my girls is gonna be great.

[ 22012010 1.15am | why ]

cos i've broken all my promises to you... i've broken ALL my promises to you...
what matters most?
everything that you feel while listening to every word that i sing...

~secondhand serenade

***

he says i think too much
he says i only write when i'm not happy
he says he doesnt need to know.

(you say... i only hear what i want to, i don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running... to anyone... anywhere...)

i'm dreading some things... and i'm looking forward to other things...
i'm sorta glad its not my week to write on the pms blog... cos i'd be terribly boring and uninspired.
i need to read more...
i need to... do so many things. i feel so tired thinking of the countless things i'm supposed/have/expected to do.
and i can't figure out what keeps me doing them.
i worry that i will soon become a mindless zombie, spastically repeating movements. with no emotions attached.
even a machine would be more qualified to be human than i in this (approaching) state.
i've compromised many things i think, believe and feel.
and i can only wait for the day my conscience comes back for revenge.
great.

[ 21012010 1.47am | =\ ]

and that's becoming my favourite face emoticon.

***

all this searching ... just live without? you can't miss what you have never had.
claymore is fantastic. too bad there's no place for weaklings in this world.

***

today is the day, when you can catch me feeling down.

Heaven Can Wait - We The Kings + Lyrics

=\
somehow matches my mood. but its too owl city like. prefer it more emo and rock.

[ 19012010 11.21pm | hmmm ]

i have a weird feeling...
i know what caused it. or rather, i know the causeS.
but it doesnt bring me any closer to solving or understanding why i feel the way i do.
then why am i letting the causes get to me?!
lol...
***
i shall... dig my fingers into your brain - and make sure my fingerprints are all that you can remember.
***
i'm so weak... so weak.
i need the resolve and the decisiveness.
***
is controversy the only way to get attention. isnt that just so tiresome. lol.
i am getting old. i prefer more peace in my life. but man.. a BM game once in a while sure gets me rofloling.
***
its such a waste, isnt it. i wish...
but i'm still tired.
=\
i sometimes hope that i lose all hope. (ok that sentence looks weird) so that it'd be easier to just 放手 .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ 15012010 3am | i need more sleep ]

i have so many random thoughts going through my mind.

i wonder what i would think now of myself when i was 18.
i wonder how i'd deal with myself. LOL
i've been thinking about new year resolutions... and i've been putting writing them down for a while.
i did write some down at sam's house on NYE, cos she MADE me. but they weren't really WELL thought through.
and i've already failed to keep... perhaps... .half of them.
Lets see...
- i need to take care of myself better. like, get more sleep, put on some weight, fix my straw/grass/(insert anything brittle and dried out) -like hair, take more pains to dress less chapalang-ly.
- i need to love everyone around me better. to be less of a sociopath, less cold, less detatched. and bankai less. and meet up with the people who i havent been meeting up with for the longest time.
- i need to clear out my room. and keep it cleared.
***

there's something wrong with my eye...

that red thing gave me a headache for 2 days straight -.-

no, don't ask me to see a doctor...

can someone count the number of eyelashes i have? it looks pathetically sparse. lol...

macro function is so gosu.

Its the kind of mood where I've decided to spam shattered by OAR at close to the loudest volume my mako can go.
I think my neighbours hate me. But that's just too bad.
I don't consider my self an emo person... But I figure I must appear that way to you all because when some thing(s) get/s to me I'll take it out on a keyboard.
I make no excuses though. If I am, so be it. I am.
As I look at the conflict before my eyes... I think... Endless possibilities in every direction, but a misstep in any, leaves you nowhere to go.
And its not easy to be farsighted, whilst considering the immediate issues, and tapping on the experience of the past. But we all do get better, the more we practise right?
Judging by the way things are, I'm gonna be a professor in Decision Making and Problem Solving by next year.
And then I look at what was... What is... What I would like to see.
My past and my future side by side, as close and as separate as two pages of a book laid to rest open, on its covers.
Joined, but not really; separated, but not exactly so.
On one side, there's what I loved, on the other, what I love. And on the z-axis, there's what I could love.
I need some good alone time... By the beach... In the dead of the night... Under the pouring rain.
It is not enough...

AHHH I'M BLIND AHHHH !!! I'M SO BLIND !!!!

Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone Live.

[ 01012010 10.34pm | kankai ]

my dad always told me : there's more than one way to skin a cat.
i'm a controversy - it reflects how i second guess myself all the time, and how i try to do the right thing even though i don't feel like doing the right thing.
dreaming is good. as long as you stay asleep. i hope you never wake up and see reality.
/quit life if or when you do?
^^

2010 is gonna be one exciting year.
i so look forward to it.