[ 30052007 1.59pm decision ]

talking to hammy recently has made me think about stuff for a few days.
he asked me
"do you think love is a choice or a feeling"
those of you know know him would know he's going through a tough time (again). and he simply says... "i made the decision to love her, so i stuck with it."
the romantics out there would refute this by saying that love is not about choices, that its a feeling you have, that you can't explain.

well... i think love is a mix of both. and its more a decision than it is a choice. and since humans normally don't choose the worst path for themselves to walk down, they would decide to go through their lives with someone they at least, remotely, liked.
its not purely a feeling. long term love aka marriage is not meant to be fun, as asta puts it. its alot of work and if you keep second guessing whether you want to be with the other person, you'll just end up wanting to run away half the time.
and also, what happens when the heady floaty in love feeling goes away? thats when the decision sticks.

its never just about two people... the world is involved as well. conversely, if you let what the world dictates to be true affect you, the internal struggle will kill both of you.

[ 21052007 3.05pm oops ]

i meant to post the below post at the stated time... however the internet at the shop kinda... messed a little. so i was unable to post. good thing i saved the post in microsoft word format... or it'd be ALL GONE! lol.

[ 16052007 4.12 pm ARGHHHH!!! ]

ok. tammy seldom whines. but tammy shall whine now, because her shop's ice cream storage machine has decided not to freeze ice creams. which means that all the ice creams have melted. albeit not so bad that they have become liquid, but melted enough to be un-servable.
so thank God for ann at the ice cream gallery who takes the ice cream back to keep for her.
in the meanwhile, the temp frost guy says i have to defrost my freezer cos all the ice on the sides is affecting the performance.
so tammy has frozen fingers cos she has been cleaning off ice from the sides of the freezer.
and, something keeps shorting the shop, apparently its the coffee machine giving trouble, so the shop has no coffee machine.
and the metal counter top is full of electricity or static or something. so tammy keeps getting shocked when she touches it.

***

ok i'm through with whining.
ok. actually, i'm not. my MOUSE!!! MY BELOVED MOUSE!!! THE WIRE GOT STUCK IN MY LAPTOP AS I WAS CLOSING IT AND THE RUBBER COATING GOT POKED!!! THERES A HOLE!!!!
i was so depressed yesterday because of that... sigh...
it actually squeaked when it got stuck...
heart pain when i remember it.
i really love this mouse to bits.
still remember how painful it was when i sent it in for 2 very long weeks of repair... the separation was... agonizing.

***

i've been seeing faces from the past... its like, i think i see a certain someone, then when i look properly, i realise it isnt him/her. i've really been seeing things... its... strange... cos i get a jolt when i see the familiar face... then i almost call out to the person... but its a good thing i dont.
maybe i just miss certain aspects of my past.
all you students out there think that studying is such a chore and such a huge pain. when you start working, you'll realise that life is full of responsibilities and bills to pay, and student loans which never seem to get a dent in them.
as a student, all you have to do is stick out your hand and ask for allowance, get your parents to write an excuse letter when you dont feel like going to school, and do well enough so that you dont get any complaints, behave reasonably well so that you dont get white slips and detention.
its pretty carefree.
not that i'm wishing i could study again...
i just miss school oh so very much.
the life, the people, how things were so different then.
i just... felt more vibrant, more alive, more a part of other people's lives, more involved,
more... fulfilled.

i miss RJC. so much that it hurts.
i'll always remember strolling down passageways
training after school
boring lessons and lectures
copying notes
passing messages
studying in the canteen
sweat running down my skin as i pad along on the track... past the flowering trees near the railway... on my 15th round as i clear my mind jogging...
floorball and violence in the gym
shen's and my shared locker
LT 2.5
catching fish in the pond with the malay stall's colander
picking locks for fun
night camping sessions
climbing through/over the main gate
early mornings on the mrt with clorets and weiming

i wish those times never had to end.
i thought that i'd get over it eventually, but there's something in my blood that always yearns...
its been 5 years. i'm officially a J7.

megasighz.

[ 14052007 4.06pm @work ]

there's some stuff i've been thinking about recently...
one of them is how much i'd like to live with him. cos things seem to be better as long as he's around. stuff only happens when we're far away. perhaps cos its easier to sense the storm before it happens and quickly calm it down.
living together is actually quite a recent phenomenon in Sg though... the present 20something, teenagers seem to be doing it in profusion. which makes me wonder about what the parents think...
however, no matter how much i'd WANT to, i wont, even if i COULD. because, what would there be to differentiate bgr from marriage, other than the piece of paper?
and if it doesnt work out, what's your next guy/gal going to think? there will just be an accumulation of emotional baggage.

***

after reading maria's blog, which is restricted, it got me thinking about a while ago. the "i'm free, and i want to remain free cos it feels great!" feeling that i had...
i've realised that many girls, girls especially, seem to hop from guy to guy, getting attached quickly after breaking up. there seems to be this NEED to always have a bf, because after you've had one, you come to depend on having one, and you get used to the feeling of having someone to always go out with, talk to.. and generally just be there for you. and, you don't really have to LOVE the person... you just need to have your need satisfied, and the guy could just be someone who is ok looking, not an awful person, but willing to be there for your to whine at and to pamper you.
but he isnt what you really want.
thats the difference.

[ 06052007 2.21am | expose ]

i was 17. =D

***

whats meant to draw us closer, splits us apart further.

assumptions.
blindness.
accusations.
good night.

[ 03052007 10.21pm memories.from.the.past ]


unlike alot of other people, i have no qualms about submitting unglamourous pictures of myself.so, from right to left, me, zoe, christine, forgot who sorry!, lenette. it was some super surprise pic as i was tensely balling my fists and considering the upcoming game. i turned and got caught in the pic. i normally do that, unfortunately, because i'm alert enough to know something is going on, but have insufficient reflexes to catch it fast enough.
that was a slangg compie... counterstrike. all gals team. anyone wanna hazard a guess as to how old i was?
=x

thanks goes out to matafleur aka weiming from gamesync for sending me that pic. i'd nearly forgotten about it. incidentally, the icemat i'm using in that pic was given by him, and thats my old favourite... the logitec 3 button ball mouse! (which i still use btw)

[ 03052007 3.07pm eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ]

there's been a weird smell going on in my room for the past few days. because of it, i have taken measures like throwing out my trash, clearing up unfinished food, taking used cups down to the kitchen...
and hunting for the blind snake, which i thought might have crawled somewhere on my desk, starved and died. [click here for the blind snake story]
so after a rainy night on monday or so, the smell kinda cleared. and i more or less forgot about it.
until today, when i opened my curtain to let more fresh air in... then i saw this on my roof right outside my window:-

its some unidentifiable bunch of bones and feathers, and its all of 30cm from my window ledge.

***

as for mym, we're into top 16, through no effort of mine, since matches are either at times not favourable to me, or never get reloaded or rematched.

so there.

[ 01052007 5.03pm | grow.up ]

not that I'M very mature. but yeah, GROW UP.

***

started work at my sister's place, Pluck at 33 haji lane. its a cafe and style emporium. at least, thats how it's described on the namecard. theres ice cream, brownies, rootbeer floats, cupcakes etc etc, all desserts, and all served by me. unless my cousin or some other person happens to be in.
was supposed to open today, but i've gotten sinusitis again... it hurts to swallow and i tear everytime i do that.
so... i'm there 1230-8pm from mondays to fridays.
in between working and myming (or rather, attempting to mym, cos most of the matches don't go through) i've got no time to blog. the up side to this job is that there's 512k broadband for me to use all day long! so you'll be able to spy me online, but probably wont respond to pm's if its busy.

***

when you're beset with problems, do you run or does it make you want to fight harder?

***

met up with pinksheep the other day for lunch near her work place. nice little jap place, and i'm left with strange cravings for the octopus sashimi... =.=

***

when i'm well, i intend to go ms, go astons, and go fish and co, and go for more jap food. =D