[ 16032007 9.16pm confused. ]

going to sleep unhappy and then proceeding to have weird dreams doesnt do much for your mood the next day.
i'm camping in my room, avoiding the relatives who are flooding my living room downstairs. upstairs is out of bounds for the kids, so i'm quite isolated here. happily so.
spent the day considering things, while slicing mushrooms/washing plates/cutting eggs/frying garlic etc etc. so much so that mum actually asked why i was so unhappy. tired perhaps.
ok. a kid just intruded. grr.
***
the dream:
its more the non action than the action that bothers me. if you saw something like that happening in front of you... yet did nothing about it... its telling me something.
***
funan interschool:
stuck at home while the games were all being played, no commentators down today... actually a blessing in disguise or i'd have to cast solo. and it was refreshing to be alone for the day... reading... and slacking off from helping mum
***
the night before:
"i know you well, i know your smell...
i've been addicted to you..."
i think i'm losing myself, in a very... subtle way. i cant exactly express it any other way other than that. there doesnt seem to be something i can hold on to that i can call MINE and MINE alone anymore. or maybe, i just cant see what is mine.
"once i thought that all i had was mine,
that what was mine, would always be..."
maybe this is what happens to rafflesians after they finish schooling... with the rafflesian culture so strong... its absence is a palpable loss. perhaps we all need something or somewhere to belong to. i am defined by my past.
and suddenly i'm not sure if i want change in my life, or whether i'm scared of changes.
this is the state of mind which should be accompanied by an overnight session by the beach. preferably with a fishing rod in hand, friends in calling distance, but not too close by...
at the end of it all, i'm stronger than my confusion. thats just something i'm not confused about.

just remember that i loved you before you were anything~*