[ 29022004 3.16am | a.first ]

ok. todays the first time i've hopped down orchard rd in crutches. its... really an experience. its very funny to watch peoples expressions and their reactions when they see me.
well... abit on how the singaporean population has been treating this disabled gurl-
so far, since the 18th feb, only 3 people have offered me their seats on the mrt, and 2 people have offered me the glass panel to lean on. thats it. especially when you take into consideration that i travel on public transport everyday...
i think... that people on crutches are generally not seen hopping around and going out and stuff... most of them stay at home. [or in the hospital?] so i think that when people see me, they probably just think that its not so serious, hence they arent so sympathetic. hmm. either that or singaporeans really just suck.

...

abit more on my jay discoveries. heh... sorry if u readers are getting sick of hearing about him...
i cant help it. haha.
he was spotted in a talent show much like american idol. but the performance [ he performed with someone who sang to his piano-playing... ] sucked, so the talent spotters didnt really bother. til they caught a glimpse of his piano score. which was terrifically impressive. so they employed him as a songwriter for powerstation, valen hsu... stuff like that. cool eh?
that has so boosted my level of respect for him.
humble beginnings... and he knows that hes not considered yandao. very interesting. and his parents divorced when he was 14.

...

annnyywayy... i just plucked myself off the topic of him. cos i can go on and on... indefinitely.
big thanks to weiming, who helped me fuel this... recent interest by giving me "the one" concert vcds. *happy smile*

...

i was thinking... recently... when i've been going out, i've been looking hard at parents and their little running around kids. and... you know what the freaky thing is... these parents look like they could be my friends... we are getting near the marriageable age!! soon, we're gonna get invites to weddings... after the 21st bdae celebrations flurry of course.
i had a panic attack the other day about settling down... i have no idea why. just that i was half worried that i might end up left on the shelf (too much sex and the city...) and half worried that whatever i get myself into may end in a divorce...
i'd like to just live in patterson edge alone, with super techie stuff around me for lifelong companions... sounds pretty good...

i've been thinking about this... was talking to fam the other day about "the age". he was observing that the nearer we get to marriageable age, the more parents seem to step into our relationships. which is interesting, cos this is something i've never given thought to. but its actually true... i never knew that such parents / families existed today... the you must let me veto your g/b f. like... its so subject to their approval... its... disgusting... sure, you may be making a mistake, but all you can do is to advise us, not to control... if we make a mistake, try to gently guide us out of it, somehow, dont stick your nose in and be so quick to disapprove... wealth plays a rather big part in all this... fam told me about a rich friend who had a not so well to do gf whom his parents didnt like... and they made things so difficult... that the boy ran away from home and stuff... why do things have to come to that... whats the point... you lose your child totally like that... at least if you are there to support and advise, you have your kid for keeps... once you disapprove and give an ultimatum... thats the end of your relationship with your kid... your kid will only rebel, and when he /she finds that open rebellion doesnt work, he/she will just resort to doing things behind your back...

-sigh-

and ive been giving serious thought about what i want to be / could be in the future...
heres a list of things...
-air force
-stewardess
-journalist [judging from my crap writing here... hmm. ]
-actress??? [ shaddup fam and fir and hannah ] maybe a presenter... or a newscaster... or a dj... haha...
-missionary.
-how about a director... [then i should take up ts now... ]
-writer...
i dunno.
some out of the ordinary job... something thats more adhoc than monotonous.
ok. so, after all that... what on earth am i doing in geography??
thing is... i have many interests... i have no special talent... in anything, other than picking things up fast. after the initial pick up, my learning curve just dies, either due to waning interest or lack of confidence... [i think]

...


recently, when i look at people, i've been wondering... how long have they had their hairstyles for? well, this is cos i just chopped my hair off, i think. seriously, look around you. people are so unadventurous, all the safe cuts that they've found after trying things out ages ago... so much so that they are just unwilling to risk looking bad again...
i'm the type who rarely goes for cuts in salons, so i believe in letting the hairdressers decide on a new look for me whenever i go, cos i pay for their talent and creativity, not for their ability to listen to my instructions on how i want my hair cut. if i want a certain cut, i'll just do it myself... or ask various people in my house to do it for me. yup. so i'm a hairdresser's dream. or nightmare. cos i just walk in and say "do whatever you want". so far its been ok. i believe that you can grow to suit the cut. and if i'm really that unhappy about it, then i'll just diy in the toilet. [stop thinking funny...]

...

you know what. the nonchalant heck everything no interest attitude that singaporeans have, [eg. towards politics, nationalism, etc] in general, could actually have some historical roots. cos as we all know, singapore is a country of immigrants. our forefathers came from china, india, britain, wherever... indonesia, malaysia... i dunno. but mostly from china right?
so. these chinese businessmen... you really think they cared about this little island? all they wanted to do was make money and go back to their niang jia... [niang jia???] always thinking of their homeland - china.
hence. they werent too concerned with situations here... all they wanted to do was make money... more and more...
doesnt that sound like alot of people we know nowadays?

[ 26022004 2.51am | replies...and more abt jay ]

yeo : hi, welcome here... thats the only incident where i got to see what he was like... he never taught my class or anything, but i do know many who were totally fond of him... that incident is firmly planted in my mind... and i guess thats how i'll always remember him as. a motivator.

ming : relak lah, i bought you a copy already. u owe me 5 man. haha... if i'm richer by the time you get back, maybe i'll give it to you... esp after u spent 2 bucks on a hideaki pic for me...

yan : you crazy pig... i will try to go out... but the next couple of weeks are really really... busy for me... you told nick i broke my leg? the cat quite cute rite... thought of you immediately when i saw it.

sue : hehheh... how? got see yet? its not very nice, i would say... its just the prestige of being in that mag lah... =p

...

i am feeling extremely chi2 dun4. i cant believe that i discovered jay chou like... 3 years late... been on a recent downloading spree looking for links on the web rather than relying on kazaa. and ive found a couple of sites that are pretty good. alot of mtvs, remixes, live stuff... d/led this live bit on him playing the piano and singing.

let me digress. what caught my attention about jay is that his style is so totally different... but what impressed me was that he plays instruments. himself. while performing LIVE. what really tipped the scale in his favour, was that he writes his own lyrics (granted, not all, but... most, i would say. ) AND composes his own melodies. he even does all this for other singers. to just be known as a singer is so... passe... to be a singer-songwriter, a successful one at that... is really something. what i love about his songs is that he sings about all kinds of things... he has such a diverse style and you really just cant get sick of his songs. there is not a single day that passes since i got "qing tian" that i didnt listen to it, or at least play it on the guitar, or hum it to myself, or think about it. and that was really... many many months ago. his songs grow on you, those that i couldnt appreciate at first, i'm appreciating more and more.

one thing doesnt change though... hes still not very good looking. but he has some terrific angles. the mtv that i just downloaded caught it perfectly. he looks pretty crap face on, unless hes got alot of hair covering his face and maybe a couple of hands as well... but... his side profile... and 3/4 side, is really not bad. esp is shot from the bottom up angle. anyway, at the 56th second, he turns to face the camera in his 3/4 profile and then he blinks... and u can just hear the girls and guys, yes, screaming in the background. [which is pretty grose... and irritating, cos if u go to a live concert and yell and yell, you cant hear a thing he's singing, or playing. which is just a waste of time, cos u want to see and hear his talent.live. ]
very charismatic. i can say that, cos i found myself smiling stupidly at the screen at the 56th second. and if something can make me smile like that, its worth checking out. helps that i find guys who can play instruments well... interesting? its a sure way to pian xiao nu hai (bluff small girls)... just learn how to play an instrument. and sing ok-ly.
i would say his saving graces are his nose, his jawline, his hair and his side / 3/4 / bottom up good angle. o. add in his "diao" philosophy.

much as i hate to say it (cos i really really dont want to be misunderstood and classified with those screaming girls...), i've fallen into the jay chou trap.
*shudder*/*grin*

...

back to more BASE(ic) issues... my foot is in a better looking / feeling back slab. yes. back slab again cos rem i told you it swelled after i fell down? so the doc's giving it a week more to go back to its normal size, before it gets stuck in a cast. got "scolded" for removing my other backslab. hehheh... but really lah. cannot take it.
so, no signing on it for yet another week.
mmhmm.

[ 24022004 11.37pm | repeat ]


March her world is out! i dont think i look exceptionally good there... but, buy it to support my sister's company! =) its only $5. and its got interesting articles... like... uh... love your vagina, 5 ways to get over him, about women being the breadwinner, and marriages lasting 6 hrs.yup.

i'm on a downloading spree. not from kazaa, but from some strange sites around... like, theres this 9sky one where they let you d/l many many songs, but they are protected, so they expire in 12mths.
then theres this forum where they share jay chou things. =) mtvs, audio files... things like that. damn cool.
o. stop using Kazaa!! they have posted an anti kazaa branch in singapore to crackdown on all you horrible pirates. haha... all us horrible pirates, i mean.


anyway, heres whats on my playlist (repeat mode)

chinese :

jay - wo niu
- ai qing xuan ya
- ni ting de dao
- yi fu zhi ming
- nuo fu
- ban shou ren
- ban dao tie he
- duan le de xuan
- gui ji
- an hao
- wo yuan yi
- ye ye pao de cha

dong li huo che - wai tao

zhang hui mei - zhen shi

david tao - ji mo de ji jie


english :

robbie williams - sexed up

gareth gates - say it isnt so

delta goodrem - lost without you

pay the girl - freeze

c21 - love will never lie


haha. pre-empting time. mich, relax... i can still speak and write english... even though i'm crazilly into chinese pop now.
its just that somehow chinese can elegantly express what would sound damn cheesy in english.

ok. updates on my fat foot.
i fell down twice 3 days ago, so... my foot has decided to swell enormously again. and yesterday i got damn pissed off with the smell and the itch and the heat... so i ripped it off. so i been running around castless. haha... it feels damn good. maybe i can play the match this weekend.
yar right.
anyway, my specialist appointment is tml... tmd tmd... cast for a few weeks... cannot take it off... i'm gonna die... ahhhhhhh.
all in all, its been pretty fun with a cast, except that my mum has gotten damn worried cos i've been running around going out and all... so she grounded me til my foot is better. "..." scared i kill myself or something...
somehow i'm taking things pretty positively. i'm not upset over the loss of my foot... not upset about having to swing around on crutches... not upset about missing training and matches... a little upset about not being able to practice for my traffic police test though... wonder if i'll actually recover in time to sit for the test...
well. thank God for the optimism... in this area, at least. i dont think i'm anymore optimistic elsewhere...

[ 23022004 2.00am | traumatised ]

anyone knows or remembers a really really nice math teacher mr ho swee haw?? he gave away 50 bucks to sijie to prove that if you wanted something you can get it... he pasted it high on the wall and made him jump up and down...
http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/afp_asiapacific/view/72244/1/.html

this is very traumatising.
i'm very traumatised.

if ure not sure who it is... take a look at this pic...

[ 20022004 2.45am | ignorance/cheng2 yu3 lesson ]

happy bday lish, if u happen to chance upon this, of if someone happens to see this and tell her. =)

"walking around with a broken foot thinking its a sprain."

thats the state ive been in most of my life, i realised. in many issues in my life, ive never really figured out the main cause of it all. most of all that bothers me are the effects of the cause. the cause itself, is either hidden from me, ignored cos i dont want to think about it, or just something in my subconscious.
maybe i just dont want to admit it. i know it, or i suspect it, but i never clarify it, cos i just... want to remain in ignorant bliss. take my foot for example. if my toes hadnt turned blue, i wouldnt give a damn about the pain or the swollenness or wateva. in fact, i was gonna run with ziyang on wed (ie, yest ) and play in the match this sun.

would you rather know something that will kill you, or just die happily thinking it was something else?

the escapist in me definitely prefers to die happy.
but the rational side will go to the doctor to get an xray done. cos in the end, i know that i need to know the cause, before i can solve it. as little as the pain will bother me, it can get worse. and i have to harbour the hope that things will get better. although things will be nasty in the time following the discovery, ie, itchy smelly casted leg, i have to believe that things will turn out ok.

anyone got optimism to spare?

end of the story, i like my new saying, cos it sums up alot about me : my blurness, my tolerance for pain, my wish to remain in ignorant bliss, my escapism, and that, in the end, i will still force myself to figure out what the causes are. and face it head on.
so now do you know what it means "to walk around with a broken foot thinking its a sprain"?

[ 17022004 11.22pm | Breaking.News ]

guess what people!!! i broke my leg!!! haha... this is very exciting... rem i said i sprained my ankle in my last entry? well... it wasnt a sprain, but a fracture! its more than a hairline fracture i would say, about 3/4 the way through.
and just the other day i was expressing my sentiment of needing to break a bone once in my lifetime. well, its certainly a pain, in all senses of the word, but well... something i feel that everyone has to experience.
reason why i went to the doc today was cos my toes were turning black... for some strange reason... apparently the blood clots all over the place lah.
great. so that means ive been walking around with a broken leg for a few days man... [ okok... i noe break is very inaccurate, esp to those in the know... but well. layman's blog here k? ] my dad told me his horror story... the doc just bandaged his leg, so he was still walking around and driving and all that, 6weeks later, said he decided to see a specialist, found he needed an operation. why? because the bone is coated with a substance like well... nail varnish. so some seeped into the crack. this meant the the cells in the bone couldnt fuse together, so he had a permanent crack. what they had to do, was scrape the stuff out of the crack and see if the broken off bit was still alive. apparently, bones are like... well... muscles, they can die too. so, the worst case scenario was that the docs had to use some of his hip to replace the dead bit of bone, if it was dead... imagine... the pain... bone pain hurts more than skin pain... really.
after the op, my dad had a couple of holes in his bone... and a screw. and he said it hurt so bad that he had to survive on morphine shots. and if he says its painful, it really is painful. he can really tolerate pain... i guess i can too, unless i drama... haha... so, i guess high pain thresholds run in the family eh?

anyway, other than that, i have cut my hair... pretty much off. haha... its... short! yay... so much so that i have to gel it and little hairs stick up from the top of my head. haha... its quite fun.
whee~ life is interesting.

[ 15022004 12.45pm | in.pain ]

"If u had to choose between the person you love more, and e person who loves u more, i think most people end up choosing e person they love more... perhaps they're always waiting for the day that person will love them as much. I think that's e way it works. People say they're selfish and would choose e one who loves them more,but e fact is, it's hard to be with someone u don't love as much. Now that's the real way that things work.
To just drop everything for someone, not expecting anything in return"


this statement hit especially hard cos its from a close friend... and cos i have been reading a book which is partly about unrequited love... how someone can love another so much... ( assuming in the first place, that love actually exists... or may be, its a hypothetical statement, afterall, books can attain what the human cant... anyway... ) and assume that he/she can make the other love him/her back... its doesnt work that way... thats why i believe the perfect relationship is one where both sides give as much as each other... not more, not less than the other... but the same. cos if not, one side will always feel unappreciated...
but in the end... who would YOU choose?
i'd go for the person i love more...

...

am gonna be jumping around on crutches for the next few days cos i managed to injure my ankle pretty badly. its like... 3 times its normal size. amazing... cos most ppl didnt even see me go down. i piaked, good thing i broke my fall with one hand and a knee, then i was up and running again. good thing there was a line change almost after that or i'd have killed myself running more... i'm the type who would just run til i really cant move, esp in a match.
speaking about the match, it was great! drew ntu 2-2 but well, we definitely deserved to win! and i was nice k... i didnt do anything to the goalie. ntu... is the supposed 3rd best team in singapore, so, to draw them, indeed, to nearly win them, was great... its the best to be the underdog, i feel, because then you have no reputation to live up to, no pressure. the darkhorse.
wonder if i'll be forced to retire for the rest of the season...
well. we'll see. i could gladly retire in peace, cos i know that i played a good match, although i missed quite a few rebounds... and cross shots... -_-

...

oh yeah, go watch along came polly. even if its just to see jennifer anniston... hot hot hot...

[ 13022004 10.28pm | introduction. ]

let me introduce you to the guy who has been in my life for ages... =) hes the only guy that shen and i actually agree on... which is amazing, considering how different our tastes are. he's gorgeous, to say the least... and i practically die everytime i see him, which is damn often, since i have his pic all over my room. *hmm... this is the gal in me speaking eh...*
the song playing, eyes on me (instrumental) is arguably written for him... the other version of this song is sung by faye wong... so you have to understand, that this is not just your normal high profile droolable fella. this guy... is an international superstar. *swoon*
but well. hes taken. -_-



introducing, squall leonhart, a 17year old born on the 23rd of August. he is 177cm tall and his blood type is AB.
that gorgeous chick next to him is rinoa heartilly, who is also 17, born on the 3rd of march. and shes 163 cm tall.

dont they make a great couple? they even have the correct height difference...

anyway, pls go here and tell me what you think of my urban quest poster... comments are totally appreciated... the one who accepts the most criticism learns the most =)
of course the final product will be dependant on the uq team... but i'm the designer... so i can try to put across good ideas!
thanks in advance!!

[ 13022004 12.26am | ]

i am feeling... great!! it feels so good to have no more funny round sticky wiry things all over you man... and it feels damn good to bathe too, after 2 days of stinking.
anywayz... getting pretty hyped up for sats match against NTU... can feel the adrenaline just thinking about it... its good i guess... just hope that the excitement wont keep me awake at night... and that i wont freak myself out... think not though... hyped up is different from freaking out. and right now, i'm ready to kill... i'm having morbid visions of stepping on the goalie's fingers and grinding her nails out...

okok. anyway, i feel like chopping my hair off. like... seriously... off. to above the ear kinda thing... the length is just getting me again!!! ahh!!! so, if u suddenly see me with weird hair, you'll know its cos i'm in my periodic i hate my hair madness state again. haha... loved it back in j1 when my hair was above the ear... haha...

speaking of jc... theres no measure for how much i miss those days... i'd give everything but my soul, and loved ones to turn the clock back...
went back the other day with shen for lunch... i really felt a tangible ache being at that familiar, but not familiar place again... just thinking about it now... hurts all over again...
-sigh- just remembering how i was practically the first to start missing school... i pre-empted all this back in... june j2? or maybe earlier... gosh... the realisation made me treasure the rest of my days there...
running into james yesterday also brought back countless memories... sigh... and double sigh...
receiving a video clip... and other photos... looking through the jc photo log... ahh. pain. was trying to figure out how my short hair was then... kinda forgot...

whoever said growing up was easy...

[ 11022004 9.18pm | electroded ]

right. i am presently electroded. its pretty grose... so grose that i wont post any pics of the electrodes.
went down to physio dept after lecture with paul. anywayz, thats at MD 9. so, we walk around looking for the room we are supposed to be in. then we chance upon an "ANIMAL ROOM". seriously, thats what its labelled. and by the door, was this large cardboard box full of... white rats. white mice. lab rats. watever u want to call them. i was like... great... thats me.
ok. so. after the moment of horrific realisation, we continued looking for the room where i was to be in. went there, they took my fat percentage with 3 different machines. i am pleased to say that i have put on weight!!! (yes, sir, i HAVE put on weight ) i am now 44.7kg. yeah baby. fat percentage is like... 17._, bmi is... forgot and cant be bothered to calculate. then, i have to do a 24hr recall of all the food i ate, and keep a detailed record... for 3 days!!! ahh! those of you who know how freaking much i eat everyday will know what a chore this could be...
then there were some strange psychological questions.... like... do u feel fat? how often do u feel fat? and the like.
and an ECG. that ECG required green electrodes. which hurt to remove. and it was freezing.
after that, the nice girl told me that i had to do a 24hr ECG. AHHHHHHH meaning that now, i'm wearing a variety of coloured wires attached to random electrodes on my chest and carrying a portable ECG recorder thing. and i have to record my every move... zzZz... think i'm damn free... and they only gave me 6 bucks... supposedly for transport. like... ok.
how am i gonna sleep... i sleep on my front... and i cant bathe... i feel so hot so sticky so grose... (yes yes ruyi... i'm full of complaints...)
-_-

it doesnt help that when ppl pass me they give my neck a strange look before passing me and laughing unabashedly with their friends. especially the medicine ppl. guess they knew that they were electrodes. so it makes it more ridiculous to them... grrr. at least the man on the street may just think its like... round plasters or something.
got a little tired of explaining what they were and just said "o, its for my heart peoblem" after a while...

"this will teach you not to be so gullible and say yes to strangers." - Tammy's friend.

ok.
*upset*

[ 10022004 11.34pm | beg.to.differ ]

ok. ive been getting some strange questions about the picture on coms parade. hahaha... ok. shen is not attached to aaron. ok? the hand on his shoulder belongs to weiming. relax.
in fact, none of us in the picture are attached to each other. it just happened to be a pretty nice picture with the guys looking uniformed and smart.
the gals always look good, so... haha.

i feel a little more justified being on the computer tonight than other nights, because, i did readings today!! big deal.
anyway, i have a strange physio survey follow up appointment thing at med fac tml. wonder what kind of things they will do to me... after the medical checkup prior to entry to uni, i'm pretty wary of such things. esp when they ask you to wear 2 piece clothing. what happened was, i was captured on my way to the library to do a survey on eating habits and weight and whatever. i, being the kind soul that i am, agreed cos they looked so pathetic. little do i know that it entails a follow up checkup!!! ahh!! disastrous. and i cant really claim cab fare cos i'll be going down from arts fac after a boring lect. oh well. i shall be nice. again...

i can smell the flowers in my room... scent wakes me up now and then in the middle of the night... remnants of desmond. haha... grose.

michie - sorry darling! haha... i am cheena, and i admit it!

zy - its really ok if u want to leave some nonsense here...

[ 09022004 11.23pm | rant.rant.ant.tanr. ]

why do people like to post my pics on sggirls... i very chio izzit. either that or you really have nothing better to do man... seems like you have really bad taste, perhaps you are blind... such a blur photo and u vote 10. i dunno whether to be offended or whether to laugh... i just hope i dont know you personally... if i do, pls... never let me know that you were the one who did that... and, at least get shen's name if u want to do that? how rude is that... "tammy tang and fren". somemore shes the chioer one. or at least look for a better photo. gosh.
wheres callan when i need him... or Swordplay...

that was so totally incoherent.

[edit] http://www.enzine.net/index.php?id=8c9d72da50 pls go here. its fantastic stuff. something that us stupid inhibited cowed singaporeans wont have the guts to do. ok. so i AM speaking for myself.

[ 09022004 2.22am | continued "ahhh" ]

before i continue with coms ball...
i realise that many ppl have been asking me if i'm ok after my entry "that four letter word". just want to tell you guys that i'm fine! =) all that's just my long-standing philosphy, triggered off by reading kenn's blog. so relak...

....

oh, thanks to chow who passed my my quiksilver underwear from hk. owe him... must not forget...
anyway, most of the night was spent eating and eating... yes, i actually ate, while everyone was taking photos and walking around, i spent my night grubbing. haha... afterall, des paid a few hundred for us to eat... so... eat lah.
in between courses though, we were visited and taken photos with and we went out to take studio photos and stuff like that. and of cos, visits to the toilet with the gals.
it was like an rj gathering man... there were seniors, juniors and our years.
haha... excuse me, i'm feeling pretty crazy. thats what 2 hrs of geog practical does to your head.
o, o... the best part of the night would be when the co (i think its the co...) went on stage for his speech. he was like, "the date that you brought may be your future wife. so take this chance to show your leadership and ..." dunno lah, something like that. there was a universal squeal / grone / puking sound across the whole ballroom haha...
when FD got the mic back, he was like, ok, those of you who brought cousins and sisters, you better get that out of your head. NOW.
oh yeah, have i told you how gentleman des was? haha... he kept trying to get food for me and walked me here and there and opened doors and stuff.
o, i was pretty amused at how all the guys managed to find themselves a gal who was shorter than them. even the tiniest guys found a tinier gal. haha... sorry dong. =p
actually, it was pretty much like prom. or grad night, depending on what you prefer to call it. but abit more formal, cos its like... the people there are not really people you see everyday in school. so its like... more of an event. rather than prom where u knew everyone, so it was like a canteen break. with make up and dresses. haha... am i being incoherent?

here's us pretty gals,(dong mich me) with a few extra guys in the background. thats my date! the one with the handphone.


...

finally uploading and receiving pictures from various sources. this one is from commissioning parade.
dong shen aaron.chow weiming and me





...

ok. i'm happy. VERY happy. why? because i have my laptop playing 93.3! haha... go here ppl. and the best thing is... they give you song titles!!! fantastic! now i can identify all the mysterious nice songs that i have been hearing. shit... do i sound ulu?

[ 07022004 2.43am | a satisfied "ahhh..." ]

today was FANTASTIC to say the least. and a great part of it is cos of DESMOND YEO! =)
it was delta/foxtrot 51/03 commissioning ball at swiss o'tel the stanford, and i went as des' date.
let me tell you how it all went. right from the start.

des went over to scotts and wm's houses while waiting for me to prepare, which took a mother long time, i dunno why. even preparations for my sisters wedding didnt take that long. perhaps its due to the fact that i didnt do my nails the night before. gals, and guys, if u want to do your nails for an event, rule number 1 is to not forget that you have an event to grow them out for. number 2, you have to paint them like... a night or two in advance, cos freshly painted nails, esp if u do them yourself, look like crap.
anyway, i dashed around trying very hard to get ready fast.
then i went out of my house straight into the cab that he had waiting there for me. =) and he opened the door for me and presented me with a bouquet of flowers. hehheh... now, i am definitely not a typical gal, and i definitely do not like flowers especially much. but i was so impressed! des, so gentleman! totally thoughtful. perhaps it was cos i really wasnt expecting it see... thats why it touched me so much. *everybody, go -awwwwwwwww-"*
then... he tells me that i look like lana lang. hahaha... thats a pretty ridiculous statement, but he said it so earnestly! sorry ms kreuk, if ure reading this... but well... =)) what gal doesnt like to be told that she looks like the most gorgeous lady in the world? even though if that gal is really, quite a big boy at heart.
well, brought me to the hotel room, met his platoon mates and their gates. (GATEs??? dates!!!) i'm sleepy. excuse me.
and the view was fantastic. room 5667. meaning, it was on the 56th floor. excellent. i could have sworn that i could see the moe building at buona vista from there...
anyway, dinner was really fun, had all kinds of silly games, the flying dutchman mceed, and his voice is really good. and he was really funny too...

and my mum is knocking on the door telling me to sleep and i should cos its 3am and i have training at 930.
update tml before my head gets chopped off!

[ 05022004 1.59am | that four letter word. ]

"i cannot help but wonder, however, if we do not invent our own destiny, design our own fate, to suit our circumstances. how much of love is a trick of the mind, a mere feat of verbal acrobatics, to accommodate persons who just happen to cross our path and who suit our needs at one particular moment in time?"

this time of the year calls for ponderous thoughts on the issue, and i apologise for my half baked entry, which is sketchy at most.

there is a fine line between what is love and what isnt. between being in love and loving someone.
personally, love, is another of those things i dislike. the word at least. it carries with it the weight of numerous interpretations of every person who has ever been alive and who will live. the fact that everyone lives in different circumstances, has experienced different situations and met different people... means that their interpretation WILL differ.
what sucks is that while one side may be saying love one's the entire soul behind the word, the other side may say it with less significance.

i have always believed that i will never get my heart broken. i will never give all of me, not until the day i walk down the aisle. maybe even then... i wont have given all of me. or at least, i will never give more than the other person. equal, possible. more, never.
i am not willing to leave myself open and watch my guts get ripped out. that would leave none of me left to carry on with life. i am not willing to knowingly walk into a burning building and watch the flames suffocate the very essence of my soul.
people who have given, and lost, are left empty and ruined. you can see it in their eyes... theres a wounded light.

then again, to willingly walk into a burning building doesnt mean that it will collapse around you... willing, and being, are two different things. but to be willing, you have to be ready to face your worst case scenario.

"I have hurt many people along the way. I too, have been hurt along the way. Love really is, the end of us all. Is it better to be a cynic and scorn or be a dreamer and hope? The way i see it, to open your heart to someone, to make that someone the centre of your very being and existence is an invitation to pain. while i still love, i find it difficult to open myself up totally and risk the possibility of ever getting hurt. I would rather hurt you, than let you leave me lying in tears. That has always been my mentality."....
Love actually? Love sucks. I honestly believe that. A relationship takes 2 and a lot of hard hard work to succeed. Sometimes i believe that it might be too much trouble.

kenn, i love your entry. it spells out every single thing im presently feeling...
"i would rather hurt you, than let you leave me lying in tears..."

self-preservation.

[ 04012004 12.57am | dirt and the like. ]

pls... ppl, if u have a handphone pouch, like i do, please wash it right now. like... right now. i just washed mine in body shop grape seed body gel and you wont believe the colours that came out of it. yuck. imagine all the grose things living in the fabric... ee.

hands up people who like v-day!
ok. good good... i see your hands...
ok... now, with the other hand thats not up, give yourself a good pinch. preferably somewhere painful, like your ear.
wake up man... v-day is a feel good day for people who have been neglecting their other halfs the rest of the year. its a day when hormones run high, driving the abortion rate among teens up.
why do you have to designate a special day to remember and "chong huai" someone??? shouldnt that happen everyday?
why enrich people who are already rich enough by buying things and watever...
sigh.
its ok. not everyone thinks like me.
thank goodness for that.
who else doesnt like your own birthday?

[ 01022004 3.13am | questions. ]

training, went out, dinner. and an un-up-and-go shen.
hrmph.

training was well... like that. but we had a much needed team talk after that. which was seriously needed. wont say much about it, its for me to know, or rather, us... and not for you to find out. suffice it to say that i think it brought us a step closer, and a notch higher in the morale department. =)
went out. got a bunch of things... no stick bags in tiasa til 3rd week feb!! ahh! means i gotta suffer stick bagless til then... i am going to be frivolous (in geok's words) and get a white one! haha... *bimbo laughter*

dinner at my place was pretty interesting, featuring a mix of people from various angles of my life. had a rather interesting time playing taitee bridge and mahjong. haha... and the guitar.

shen. is a toot. so whats new. well, she owes me one, and hope she and duan had fun at coms ball ;)

realise i havent been discussing issues here, shall consider resuming soon. been a little worn out recently...