[ 05022004 1.59am | that four letter word. ]

"i cannot help but wonder, however, if we do not invent our own destiny, design our own fate, to suit our circumstances. how much of love is a trick of the mind, a mere feat of verbal acrobatics, to accommodate persons who just happen to cross our path and who suit our needs at one particular moment in time?"

this time of the year calls for ponderous thoughts on the issue, and i apologise for my half baked entry, which is sketchy at most.

there is a fine line between what is love and what isnt. between being in love and loving someone.
personally, love, is another of those things i dislike. the word at least. it carries with it the weight of numerous interpretations of every person who has ever been alive and who will live. the fact that everyone lives in different circumstances, has experienced different situations and met different people... means that their interpretation WILL differ.
what sucks is that while one side may be saying love one's the entire soul behind the word, the other side may say it with less significance.

i have always believed that i will never get my heart broken. i will never give all of me, not until the day i walk down the aisle. maybe even then... i wont have given all of me. or at least, i will never give more than the other person. equal, possible. more, never.
i am not willing to leave myself open and watch my guts get ripped out. that would leave none of me left to carry on with life. i am not willing to knowingly walk into a burning building and watch the flames suffocate the very essence of my soul.
people who have given, and lost, are left empty and ruined. you can see it in their eyes... theres a wounded light.

then again, to willingly walk into a burning building doesnt mean that it will collapse around you... willing, and being, are two different things. but to be willing, you have to be ready to face your worst case scenario.

"I have hurt many people along the way. I too, have been hurt along the way. Love really is, the end of us all. Is it better to be a cynic and scorn or be a dreamer and hope? The way i see it, to open your heart to someone, to make that someone the centre of your very being and existence is an invitation to pain. while i still love, i find it difficult to open myself up totally and risk the possibility of ever getting hurt. I would rather hurt you, than let you leave me lying in tears. That has always been my mentality."....
Love actually? Love sucks. I honestly believe that. A relationship takes 2 and a lot of hard hard work to succeed. Sometimes i believe that it might be too much trouble.

kenn, i love your entry. it spells out every single thing im presently feeling...
"i would rather hurt you, than let you leave me lying in tears..."

self-preservation.