[ 111207 8.35pm | POP* ]

i have a dusty bedside lamp from ikea. i angle the bulb up because it lights up the room better that way. however, it also collects dust easier.
was looking at the furry little dust particles on the surface of the bulb, and i decided to clean it up with a piece of wet tissue.
the first dab caused the bulb to emit a sizzling sound. i squeaked, slightly alarmed, and drew back. deciding to make another quick wipe to get rid of the dust properly, i proceeded to press the wet tissue to the bub surface once again, only to be plunged into darkness and a deafening pop.
in the aftermath and darkness, i could hear shards of glass tinkling around.

my lightbulb had exploded in my face.

[ 02122007 7.39pm waitz. ]

lan on fri was fun!! more fun than those in recent times anyway. must be cos shan was there. =x
enjoying a weekend without worries is a fading memory.
like the warmth of summer in the dead of winter, its something elusive, almost a fable.

and off i go... in a world of my own.

***

sitting at the com painting my nails and waiting for gxl to start... is something i dont normally enjoy on sunday. hence, it feels strange, not just because typing with a wet nail is weird, but because... i havent been able to do this openly in... 9 years.
NINE.

*shrugz*


life's strange.

[ 29112007 1.35pm down. ]

i'd say i'm mildly depressed.
whatwith juggling a full and overtime work day, meeting him for dinner, and then trying to squeeze a game of dota in when i reach home, something has to give.
and what gives is my sleep, and time spent with parents.

met up with my sis and went to wasabi tei this week. not bad, i treated her to dinner, and she bought me a dress which cost about twice as much as the dinner.

i'm currently in a swirl of weird confused emotions. feelings that i should be happy and relieved and free, yet being held back by something... that i can only describe as ominous.
repercussions.
consequences.
why do i do the exact thing that i hate other people to do to me?

how much am i willing to sacrifice for this?

[ 16112007 1.30am | sigh. ]

i havent seen cyn look quite so angry in a long while.
maybe its just cos i havent seen cyn very often for a long time.
at a point in time i didnt even speak a single word to her in months. suddenly it feels weird not talking to her on msn during dreary mornings at work.

common aims.

i feel mass lamed.
but generally heartened.

seeing shan tml after work with dawnnnnn. finally. evil A's.


s l e e p

[ 10112007 1.56pm baggage ]

its always nice to start off anew, than to plunge back into your wardrobe which is full of skeletons and old luggage.

was dead tired at 12am last night, and i have no idea why. post gxl, went to beer garden with a bunch of ppl i havent hung out with in... a long time. alan ruby cyn crea kimchi and ice. i regret not ordering the ji lo...
oh well.

the unwilling player.
hmph.

[ 08112007 11.55pm LAN OUTING!]

li chung aka exo announces on my tag: mdf dota outing nov 11. at cyberdome. those interested to go see see, leave me a tag/msn me/pm me in irc! i'm most likely going down to kpo abit. its on from about... 1-7pm.
i'm prob going to watch the other half of my team compete in GXL at some lan place at some point in the day though.

***

been frequenting networms, the lan shop that has taken over the space egames@prinsep used to occupy. Razer DB3G and mantis mats, new clean environment, fresh smelling, decent coms, easier on the eye, but lost the key to the ladies... so the ladies have to use the gents!
not a bad place, but a little pricey as compared to the lanshops just opposite the road at parklane.
alot of why i go back is nostalgia... egames of 2005. won't forget it ever.
its good to not have to change mouse also. haha... since my mouse of choice since 2004 has been the Razer Diamondback.

***

thoughts on GXL :
it was very strange. i registered myself as female, but somehow i became male. i put in my correct birthdate, but i when i logged in recently, i was told that i was born sometime this year. i cant manage my team, add members, and i cant private message people. which makes things very complicated, cos i kinda have no way of contacting opponents unless i happen to know them irl, or find them in irc at #gxl.
i mean... ok, if i put my real ic number, and my real address, my real hp number... why would i lie about my sex, or when i was born? and if i or my team got banned cos of it, then, well... i'd think it was really lame. cos i DID enter the correct info at the start, if the web is buggy, and my correct info changes halfway through, i'm not EVER vigilant, because i DONT expect my info to CHANGE BY ITSELF.
anyhow, all seems to be going fine...

[ 03112007 2.36am more thoughts ]

i cant figure out what you're thinking. i dont know what you want. maybe you should just be open with me. maybe you should just talk. someone's gotta close the distance, someone's gotta put themself out there to potentially be stepped on first. its a gradual growth from give and take to just giving without having to watch your back. you want it, so do i.
we can work out. at what cost? to who's disadvantage?

to the girls who have lousy bf's, take heart, half the world suffers with you. we've just gotta accept that guys are born with a few million less brain cells than us.
you know. if she's not what you want, stop wasting your time and her 心血。you'll just leave her more broken.


i taste blood in my mouth. and i have no idea where its from.

[ 01112007 4.27pm happy halloweeeeenn. ]

pic taken with web cam during convie with cyn. haha...

had a halloween costume competition during lunch hour in the office yesterday.

the guy who got first was dressed as a ballerina with a short skirt, halter top, wings, blonde wig, and a pair of hairy balls dangling from beneath the skirt. lol!

[ 24102007 12.43pm frownz. ]

its been tiring being sick, yet having to follow a normal schedule. but finally... i'm on the road to recovery! which puts me in a much better mood.

i've realised i'm the type of person who doesnt like to tell people how i feel about them. by this i mean, everyday people, who you dont feel VERY strongly towards, ie not enemies or <3. with regards to enemies or <3, i have no problems announcing my feelings, or at least making it black and white clear how i feel about them.

everyday people, like colleagues, not super-close friends... would just feel kinda uncomfortable upon gaining such insight into how they are perceived. of course it might be interesting, intriguing even, but "awkward" does come in to the equation of emotions too, i believe.

[ 16102007 9.12pm well. ]

and feeling well isnt something that i'm enjoying right now. stay clear of me for the next couple of days or more unless you wanna get an mc to pon work/school.
i fell sick on fri night at GGKatong. sooooo... if anyone else is also sick, maybe i passed it to you then!

and speaking of fri night, it was a pretty interesting night, minus the CNA filming which interrupted my godlike puck game. seriously godlike! 4v4 bnet noobs... what to do.
mass girls. i like girls. they are nice to grope. like jiayi... maria... shan...

***

you know like how u smell a really bad smell, then u sniff again to make sure you smelt the bad smell...
or how u get poked by something, then u touch it again to make sure it poked you...
or lick a hot spoon again to make sure it was hot...

why do people keep on their path of self destruction, even though they know where it will lead them.

what is this strange sadistic fascination.

***

first day at Razer. learnt alot about how they work internally. and they all complain the office is too big, so they skate scoot around... lol... EVERYONE skate scoots. its quite funny.

[ 05102007 9.48pm OoshaunoO ]

meeting shaun for lunches are normally boring affairs. he likes to whine. alot.

last lunch however, ended off amusing.

me : (points at lady wearing skin tight tights and a thong. nice ass, thin legs) shaun see see... on your left. the lady...
(lady starts running across the road, her ass jiggling in the most fetching way)
shaun : wah lao tammy... you're a sicko leh, call me to see this kinda thing...
me : eh wat... i'm just trying to raise your awareness
shaun : har? i'm already wet enough [awared enough]

=D

[ 27092007 10.40pm xMusiCa chairs. ]

i hate playing musical chairs in the morning mrt... adults are no less polite at playing the game than children are. and think as little of safety too.

and apparently musica is back for a couple of days before flying off to the PH compie with the rest.

***

i wonder how he feels when he looks at you... probably the same way i feel. awkward... uncomfortable... filled with bad memories probably. and wasted chances.
oh well.

***

TAGBOARD REPLIES
zilch : eh... i'm normally the one who stares at ppl... u know if u stare at a part of a person, they will tend to shift that part uncomfortably... (dun think funny pls)
exo : yeah, starting pay in the dept that i was working at was 2250.
shan : is interesting meh.....
shaun : BAH. yes fri is on. with asta too. and maybe dawnsheep. and whining is pbanned. it pisses me off.
kel : buses definitely pwn la... esp with heavy road traffic. gg... order air sick bag pls. takeaway.
asta : mushroom mushroom! the angry maple story mushroom! thats u!

***

i am.
highly unreasonable.
impatient.
permanently dissatisfied.
grumpy.

awful person.
u sure u still want?

[ 25092007 11.44pm workwork ]

after having to drag myself out of bed at 7am, i figured the day had to be VERY nice to make up for the awful start. unfortunately, most of the world wakes up at 7am too. so they have no inclination to be any nicer to you.
having not woken up that early since... i'm not sure when... i guess since i was temping with credit suisse... i rushed out of the house forgetting to take a voucher of something that my mum wanted.
MRT rides in the morning are at their very worst. i mean, come on, how often do i not get a seat at PASIR RIS MRT. was standing and getting groped at by long hair guy and getting humped by plump short girl. until i couldnt take it anymore... i've never really feared enclosed spaces, but suddenly, after paya lebar, i just couldn't take it anymore... i had this inexplicable urge to puke and faint... i think it was claustrophobia coupled with having to wake up too early. so i kinda RAN out of the mrt at lavender took a breather then popped back into the next mrt, which was thankfully not as packed.

as i alight at raffles place, i observe the escalators jam packed with human traffic... all trying to squeeze each other out of line, and pick my way through with trepidition. the worst thing is, trains from both sides arrive and fully unload themselves at the same time, consecutively.

awful.

it drizzles as i trot to my office... the only good thing to happen so far in the morning. (other than my kind dad waking me up and dropping me at the mrt earlier in the morning)

then at the office... i spend 2 solid hours sharpening pencils. the noise is terrific and there are dirty looks and remarks passed. i end up in the printing room which is enclosed and removed from the main office. and noisy.
the remarks aren't meant to be unkind... but hey, i know you don't like hearing the noise of wood against metal, but its not like i wanna be here sharpening your pencils either.

after work, i scuttle off on time and try to avoid dozing off on the mrt eagerly awaiting our meeting.
then he's late for 30 minutes.

so lets skip the whining, and proceed to training... which was preceeded by an hour long nap on my part.
actually, there isnt much to say about training. lol.

***

the next day ie, today, is an early day for me again. highlight of the day : lunch with dawn, michelle and shu xiong. (literally tree bear)
although it was just an hour... it was reprieve from the relative solitude that i confined myself to in the office - headphones and music as i write countless addresses onto envelopes. reprieve in ENGLISH too. can't get any better than that.

fast forward to end of work - chill out time at the igloo with GE and bleach.

***

it really takes work to make u appreciate the freedom you enjoy without it. from your sleeping times, to when you take your lunch.
then again, its good to have routine (and a means of earning your own living)

on another note, my mum suggested moving me out to stay on my own in a one room hdb flat somewhere. i'm pretty cool about it, in fact, i'm more than cool. it sounds good! just that i would have no one to cook for me... and look after me... and take care of me... but well... i just want broadband, no matter where i am. haha...
it does get a little stifling to be still staying with parents. doesnt help that i'm the youngest child with a sister who doesnt live with us already. and that i'm relatively "young"- lookswise, thinking, everything i guess... so i'm treated accordingly.
overseas, its a common phenomenon to have kids of 18 years old staying on their own and working part time to pay off their rental. i guess its not so rampant here cos the cost of living is too high and theres not enough houses for kids to stay separate from parents. lol.

***

see! i keeps promisessssss no whining!

1. (the person who tagged you is)
shan
2. (your relationship with him/her is)
teammate/friend

3. (5 impressions you have of him/her) -
always stressed
always emo
always yelling!!
she cares
she's mine!

4. (the most memorable thing he/she has done for you)
meet me at eg for lunch after coming back from aus! IN THE POURING RAIN.

5. (the most memorable words he/she has said to you)
"wah... zhe yang bu dui liao..."

6. (if he/she becomes your lover, you will)
woot... i'll grope her!

7. (if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be)
letting me grope her.

8. (if he/she becomes your enemy, you will)
not help her with her geog

9. (if he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be)
- stupid attp (ditto)

10. (the most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is)
ace A's

11. (your overall impression of him/her is)
ALWAYS STRESSED

12. (how you think people around you will feel about you)
inadequate and incapable of making good decisions.

13. (the characteristic you love about yourself is)
... nothing that i can think of...

14. (the characteristic you hate about yourself is)
sitting on the fence can be pokey.

15. (the most ideal person you want to be is)
still myself.

16. (for people that care and like you, say something to them)
hi... who are you?

17. (pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you)

1. asta
2. dawnsheep
3. cass
4. daryl ho
5. mingwei
6. zilch
7. eter
8. cloudia
9. hime
10. jiapisai

(Who is no.6 having a relationship with?)
lego girl

(Is no.9 a male or female?)
female

(If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?)
eter jiayi?@# never thought of it.

(What is no.2 studying?)
- finished studying. (ditto)

(When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?)
fri night

(What kind of music does no.8 like?)
chinese music, ah beng music, o2jam music!

(Does no.1 have any siblings?)
yup.

(Will you woo no.3?)
Oo she's my daughter...

(How about no.7?)
wtf or...

(Is no.4 single?)
yeah... half at least.

(What’s the surname of no.5?)
LIAN

(What’s the hobby of no.4?)
soccer/cosplaying?

(Do no.5 and 9 get along well?)
- they dont know each other. (ditto)

(Where is no.2 studying at?)
- FINISH STUDYING! (DITTO)

(Say something casual about no.1)
we will get stronger!!

(Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?)
WTF??? cloudia??

(Where does no.9 live?)
aljunied. (or paya lebar coffee beannnn)

(What colour does no.4 like?)
no idea...

(Are no.5 and 1 best friends?)
dunno each other or...

(Does no.7 like no.2?)
eter do u like dawnsheep? ~.~

(How did you get to know no.2?)
haha... we were just talking about this the other day... through cangliang!
scenario: me sits in lecture. from behind comes male voice "your ziggaraut is complete!"
me, slightly amazed "u play wc?"
then he proceeds to intro me to his jc friend called dawn yang xi zhi.

(Does no.1 have any pets?)
yeah... its called keith.

(Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?)
WTF????~.~ why always eter??

**

shan imma kill u.

[ 18092007 7.19pm irresponsible. ]

i am what you would classify as an irresponsible friend. i dont turn up for gatherings, i dont really make an effort to small talk on msn, or drop caring little smses.
i'm definitely not high maintenance, in fact i'm almost anti social.
alot of the time, chit chatting and generally hanging out is quite tiresome to me. i'd rather be fishing or gaming or just sitting quietly, comtemplating.

it amazes me, sometimes, at how much some people put in to keep friendships alive. like paul for instance, he never fails to keep me updated about his life, organise gatherings etc etc.
it really takes alot, especially if you aren't some bored no lifer. why? because there are so many other things you can do FOR YOURSELF.

keywords here.

friendship is always taken for granted, and put below your personal needs. too often, at least.

these thoughts come to me as i reflect on how much time i've spent with my girl bunch. especially during the time mich was back. without them initiating, or coming to look for me, i doubt i'd have gone to look for them at all...

but at the end of it all.. no matter how irresponsible a friend i am, i'm always there if you REALLY need someone to talk to. thats non-negotiable. i may not be there for the good times, but try to count on me in the bad times.

[ 15092007 3.05am OK NO MORE ]

OK i just read the last couple of posts. and... I CANT STAND IT. i'm sounding so EMO and GRUMPY and IRRITATING!
I'M DONE WITH BEING A GROUCHPOT!

no more eeky posts from me.. EVER!

=)
thank you for all that i've been blessed with.
please OPEN MY EYES.

[ 150907 2.25am reflection ]

can i give up?

i'm so tired.

PLEASE!!

[ 06092007 2.40pm mood. ]

farewell to my endless days online... soon.

***

in a foul mood lately.

***

kids nowadays, and humans in general are getting on my nerves. sometimes i wonder if they're born without a brain or if they're just purposely out to try me. misbehaving kids, bold kids, kids that argue and talk back.
i lament the passing of days when teachers could mete out physical punishment on their students.
parents encourage their children to be vocal, yet wonder why they become disrespectful.
drivers curse and swear in their vehicles, then proceed to perform near-acrobatic stunts on the road.
its just 18 years, but why have kids changed so much since I was a kid?

***

half those aged 16 and under can remember their own house phone number, their parent's number, or any other person's number. why? because they just conveniently key in the details into their handphones, then proceed to call "mum" or "home phone" rather than "9xxx xxx" or "6xxx xxx"

DISJOINTED.

i want to go fishing.

[ 30082007 3.08pm thoughts. ]

throw in the towel babe. your time's up.

the past few weeks have not been perfect for me. ok, scrap that. the past few weeks, days, have been hell. the emotions that i have gone through are killing me and i just want to go scream at the sea. there's really only so much a human can take, i think i'm about to experience spontaneous combustion first hand.
i'd like to say that i'm living a victorious life in Christ, but how much of my spirtual life is going right? every single cell of mine protests to His ways. its easy to say deny yourself and take up the cross and follow Him, to do it is something else.
trying to remain thankful and appreciative in my lowest most unhappy times is like eating ice cream when its snowing and you have no clothes on.

you of little faith.

my physical wellbeing is just... down the drain. i'm feeling tired all the time, grumpy, squeezed from all directions. headachey.
resentful
bitter.
hopeless.

when everything seems to be going wrong. how do you dig yourself out and carry on.

give it up.

[ 14082007 3.02pm uninspired. ]

the days following WCG have been dull and bland. nothing interesting has happened, save for an outing to astons + lan at GG on saturday. met up with some old faces (with no hair cos of ns) and had a pretty good time. met dawnsheep, dean and bryan + 2 other GE faction mates on the way there.

life follows a strict routine of waking up late and rushing around the house avoiding my mum's health food and cabbing to work to avoid opening TOO late. relaxin runs through my body and keeps me paralyzed in bed, especially in the mornings. even though i'm blessed with working hours that start late, its still a chore to drag myself out of sleepyland.

i spend my day in the new world of Granado Espada while multitasking and serving customers ice cream. my forays in the strange land are halted when i leave for dinner and a few dota games, at his house, lan or at home.

over the past few months, i've found its always a challenge in interpersonal relationships to keep on track, and channel energy to the correct paths.
at the same time, sometimes i'd like to just give in to my raw emotions and quit masking them beneath neutral politically correct words.
imagine me thrown a cup of bitter chocolate icecream in an irritating customer's face. haha.

buy lime tomorrow. this gal who plays DOA eunyce, cynthia aka wanderz and i will be in it. i think.

below is dawns post from the genesisfaction blog.

Thursday, 2 August, Singapore.
Two GEnesis faction girls, furryfish and Shadowstriker (a.k.a. pinksheep) were involved in WCG 2007, DotA. One of our teammates put up this photo of us during the Today interview on the Asterisk* blog, so I decided to pull it in here. Left to right: Cass (cass*), Maria (astatine*), Dawn (d4wn*), Tammy (furryfish*), Dawn (pinksheep*), Shan (flawed*). And we're also very proud to have our team jacket which features the logo (above). =D

[ 01082007 1.44am traumatic. ]

other than seeing myself on tv in my most major role to date, i watched a cat get knocked down by a car.
that adds up to a pretty traumatic night.

the cat.
was bouncing around playfully under a tree, white paws and grey stripes.
white whiskers, nice shiny coat.
hopped onto the road.
when it reached the middle lane, i turned to look away.
heard an explosion.
turned to see it hopping back limping and falling over.
crawled onto the pavement, stomach heaving.
opened its mouth in a couple of silent cries.
kicked at nothing.
and was motionless.
eyes open, still looked alive. whiskers twitching gently.
its chest gave a few last ripples.

its amazing how something that was so alive just seconds ago had life knocked out of it. reminds me of a line in a poem about how a careless wave of the hand could damage a fly's wings unknowingly.
life is so fragile.

its one thing to laugh at death, and another to see it in process. i'm the kind who wouldn't think twice if dared (with a bet) to pick up some remnant of a dead creature. but to see dying in action... is something i wouldnt wish on my enemy.

[ 31072007 1.57pm wheee!! ]

final reminder... tonight at 830pm chn U. lol. i think its either 8 or 830. repeat telecast at midnight. if u wanna check the timing urself, its called i cook for u. also known as ming chu shang cai.

***

sometimes, i'm torn between giving a person the benefit of the doubt and believing that he is really indecent. you know, on the mrt, the seats are decently sized, enough for the average man and woman to sit comfortably, if they sit neatly.
now what really pisses me off, are the MEN who think their balls are so huge that they have to spread their legs so wide apart to avoid squashing them. im not asking them to sit cross legged, i just want their knees less than 35cm apart. so if its not that their ding dongs are getting squashed, then is it some i like to feel my leg against a girl's leg fetish?
either way, its just not acceptable. and i make it very obvious by pushing his leg away or even stepping on his toes.

speaking of indecency on the mrt, once when i was in JC, on the morning train to school, this plump man sat next to me with his arms folded and tried to touch me as i slept. for those of you who don't know how that works, try folding your arms now, you'll realise your fingers are hidden right? so when i finally decided he wasn't just restless and shifting around in his seat cos he unfortunately sat on a sea urchin, i woke up from my half doze and instructed him to give me more space. haha. after which his face turned red and he hurriedly got off the train a couple of stops later.

i like to make evil men embarrassed. not all little girls are there to be taken advantage of.

and if your balls are really that huge that you just HAVE to open your legs 180 degrees, then
GET A NEW PAIR OF LOOSE PANTS FFS!
(or just make sure you don't sit next to me on the mrt. i'll stomp your toes off.)

[ 30072007 1.33pm hurhurhur ]

ok. tomorrow, tuesday, 31st july 2007, please avoid the channel u show "i cook for you" at 8pm, because yours truly will be doing embarrassing stuff in it. also avoid the retelecast at midnight.

for logging purposes, and for my friends who aren't in the gaming community ...here's my interview by playworks

i'm getting so narcissistic i cant stand it. lol.

***

anywayyyyyyyy wcg is in 4 days time, or 3, depending on how you want to count it, and i'm just too relaxed. EEK. its like, work really pawns gaming, even if its a slack job like mine is. once i get home i just wanna stone at the screen and watch my GE characters do their stuff. cant even be bothered to micro.
wcg is when i'm going to meet shan and pass her something. LOL. not saying what gal, stop asking.
other preparations for wcg include fixing up my mouse feet and plucking out my keyboard.

***

how many people, teens, young adults out there have problems with their parents?
i definitely do.
i think its probably the most common relationship to have problems. One definitely hears about kids not getting along with their parents more than you hear about them getting along, right?
my sister understands my mum the most, which kinda helps me, cos then my sister acts as a go between in the communication process.
parents are hard to get along with... but in the end i think most are just concerned and want the best for us.
its just the way they go about things that really tick us off.
but really... is communication that important? why am i always being asked to talk and explain when my point of view, or what I want is secondary to what they think is good for me

would you rather have parents who care so much that they are overbearing, or parents who dont give a damn and let you do whatever you want?

[ 18072007 12.04am dependance. ]

married women are starting to strike me as being useless. throw in females who have been attached for a long time, not necessarily to the same guy.
why?
because whatever they do, they have to ask someone else to help them. be it getting something from the top shelf, or carrying a heavy box of something.
what happened to the self sufficient power woman of the 90's who eats treadmills for lunch?

and the best news is, they dont make men like they used to. how many man-boys actually know how to fix a shorted toaster, rewire an electrical plug... ok, scrap all that. how many of the guys of today even know how to change a lightbulb? they'll probably put the wrong bulb in and get it blown or something. all they know, is the theory of things. how many of them actually have hands on? come on guys, how many of you have used a lawn mower?

the generation of my parents is so over.
welcome to the new breed of useless brats.

[ 04072007 3.11pm the MMO. ]

if there is ANY game at all that really kills your life, its the MMORPG.
the MMORPG, is THE game which gives ALL games a bad name. (despite the advice on the starting screen of granado espada "it is harmful to health to game for long periods of time without taking breaks" or something like that... )

sheepy is overseas STILL... hope the fugu fish havent gotten to her yet.

in the meantime, been talking to dean and shaun, the sad left behind brothers in ge. lol!

[ 21062007 2.48pm breaking the silence ]

once upon a time, i used to be able to enter my blogger details without even thinking about what i was typing. my fingers were so used to typing they didnt need any signals from my brain.
but today, i actually entered the wrong login info, and had to think about my password.
goes to show that.......................

i've been neglecting this site.

anyway, my chosen topics for the day are
porn and lovebites.
lets start with... lovebites.

this topic was inspired by a horrific sighting at pastamania. my first thought when i saw the girl was that someone had tried to strangle her with 3 fingers. the bruising on her neck was so purple, even a grape would be envious.
staring at the way she practically flaunted her mauled neck, i started wondering...
you see, lovebites, like a pregnant belly, yell, "HEY LOOK! I DID SOMETHING SNEAKY WITH MY OTHER HALF!!" they are real time proof of sexual acts. which kinda explains the "stigma" (the " " cos some people dont find it a stigma, indeed, they are proud of it) of wearing a lovebite in a prominent place.
if you need further illustration, would YOU sport a lovebite to a family dinner?

pregnancy, however, is more widely accepted, maybe because the governmnet condones it. (actually, more like encourages it) also, its more or less seen as a necessity to continuing life on earth. lovebites however, scream pleasure and enjoyment, decadance and all the other evils frowned upon by the greatest religions and moral teachers of the world.

***

now, on to PORN.
porn is something totally unavoidable nowadays, merely surfing websites, which could be totally unrelated to porn, like techie forums and so forth, are prone to those awful pop ups of top naked women and such.
so what happens when you discover that your son, or even worse, your dad surfs porn?
lol... what would you do? a reply i got from mingwei was that he would clean his com and the surrounding area with bleach. lol. i personally dont find 2d photos of naked people a turn on.
at one point, i was surfing porn... to check it out. and i even got the "tammy" porn, (may i stress that i am NOT from nyp) out of curiosity from some of the bnet people.
as a result, my desktop got some bugs. or the bugs could have been a result of me downloading some game with hidden bugs in it. whatever it was, my com default internet page was some xxx site. so i called my dad to the rescue and i was like "think i surf too much porn already..."
haha... but my dad, being my dad, had no big reaction. other than reformatting the com, that is.

=P
so much for breaking the silence on my blog.

[ 06062007 2.23pm when it matters. ]

have you ever felt that there was something you wanted changed, very badly? and sometimes that something doesnt have to be about yourself. actually, when you want something about others changed, its more difficult than changing yourself.
next question, how do you go about making the changes? do you rush into it head on and plough through with the sensitivity of a sledgehammer, or would you choose the quieter, subtle way.

there's many things that i feel very strongly about. and if my mind's set on something, its likely i'm ready to die for it, ok, or at least face severe persecution for it. i try not to come on too strongly about most things. i cant take jokes well.
maybe i'm just too serious about everything.

***

having some weird twighlight zone feeling that i've had a conversation about something that i should know, but i just cant figure if its a dream or reality, and i cant remember what it's about. i almost got it, then was interrupted by someone.
its like trying to catch a butterfly in a fog.

***

interpersonal relationships are so... interesting.
i'm starting to become fascinated with examining why certain people say something, the context of it, the underlying currents, insinuations.

[ 30052007 1.59pm decision ]

talking to hammy recently has made me think about stuff for a few days.
he asked me
"do you think love is a choice or a feeling"
those of you know know him would know he's going through a tough time (again). and he simply says... "i made the decision to love her, so i stuck with it."
the romantics out there would refute this by saying that love is not about choices, that its a feeling you have, that you can't explain.

well... i think love is a mix of both. and its more a decision than it is a choice. and since humans normally don't choose the worst path for themselves to walk down, they would decide to go through their lives with someone they at least, remotely, liked.
its not purely a feeling. long term love aka marriage is not meant to be fun, as asta puts it. its alot of work and if you keep second guessing whether you want to be with the other person, you'll just end up wanting to run away half the time.
and also, what happens when the heady floaty in love feeling goes away? thats when the decision sticks.

its never just about two people... the world is involved as well. conversely, if you let what the world dictates to be true affect you, the internal struggle will kill both of you.

[ 21052007 3.05pm oops ]

i meant to post the below post at the stated time... however the internet at the shop kinda... messed a little. so i was unable to post. good thing i saved the post in microsoft word format... or it'd be ALL GONE! lol.

[ 16052007 4.12 pm ARGHHHH!!! ]

ok. tammy seldom whines. but tammy shall whine now, because her shop's ice cream storage machine has decided not to freeze ice creams. which means that all the ice creams have melted. albeit not so bad that they have become liquid, but melted enough to be un-servable.
so thank God for ann at the ice cream gallery who takes the ice cream back to keep for her.
in the meanwhile, the temp frost guy says i have to defrost my freezer cos all the ice on the sides is affecting the performance.
so tammy has frozen fingers cos she has been cleaning off ice from the sides of the freezer.
and, something keeps shorting the shop, apparently its the coffee machine giving trouble, so the shop has no coffee machine.
and the metal counter top is full of electricity or static or something. so tammy keeps getting shocked when she touches it.

***

ok i'm through with whining.
ok. actually, i'm not. my MOUSE!!! MY BELOVED MOUSE!!! THE WIRE GOT STUCK IN MY LAPTOP AS I WAS CLOSING IT AND THE RUBBER COATING GOT POKED!!! THERES A HOLE!!!!
i was so depressed yesterday because of that... sigh...
it actually squeaked when it got stuck...
heart pain when i remember it.
i really love this mouse to bits.
still remember how painful it was when i sent it in for 2 very long weeks of repair... the separation was... agonizing.

***

i've been seeing faces from the past... its like, i think i see a certain someone, then when i look properly, i realise it isnt him/her. i've really been seeing things... its... strange... cos i get a jolt when i see the familiar face... then i almost call out to the person... but its a good thing i dont.
maybe i just miss certain aspects of my past.
all you students out there think that studying is such a chore and such a huge pain. when you start working, you'll realise that life is full of responsibilities and bills to pay, and student loans which never seem to get a dent in them.
as a student, all you have to do is stick out your hand and ask for allowance, get your parents to write an excuse letter when you dont feel like going to school, and do well enough so that you dont get any complaints, behave reasonably well so that you dont get white slips and detention.
its pretty carefree.
not that i'm wishing i could study again...
i just miss school oh so very much.
the life, the people, how things were so different then.
i just... felt more vibrant, more alive, more a part of other people's lives, more involved,
more... fulfilled.

i miss RJC. so much that it hurts.
i'll always remember strolling down passageways
training after school
boring lessons and lectures
copying notes
passing messages
studying in the canteen
sweat running down my skin as i pad along on the track... past the flowering trees near the railway... on my 15th round as i clear my mind jogging...
floorball and violence in the gym
shen's and my shared locker
LT 2.5
catching fish in the pond with the malay stall's colander
picking locks for fun
night camping sessions
climbing through/over the main gate
early mornings on the mrt with clorets and weiming

i wish those times never had to end.
i thought that i'd get over it eventually, but there's something in my blood that always yearns...
its been 5 years. i'm officially a J7.

megasighz.

[ 14052007 4.06pm @work ]

there's some stuff i've been thinking about recently...
one of them is how much i'd like to live with him. cos things seem to be better as long as he's around. stuff only happens when we're far away. perhaps cos its easier to sense the storm before it happens and quickly calm it down.
living together is actually quite a recent phenomenon in Sg though... the present 20something, teenagers seem to be doing it in profusion. which makes me wonder about what the parents think...
however, no matter how much i'd WANT to, i wont, even if i COULD. because, what would there be to differentiate bgr from marriage, other than the piece of paper?
and if it doesnt work out, what's your next guy/gal going to think? there will just be an accumulation of emotional baggage.

***

after reading maria's blog, which is restricted, it got me thinking about a while ago. the "i'm free, and i want to remain free cos it feels great!" feeling that i had...
i've realised that many girls, girls especially, seem to hop from guy to guy, getting attached quickly after breaking up. there seems to be this NEED to always have a bf, because after you've had one, you come to depend on having one, and you get used to the feeling of having someone to always go out with, talk to.. and generally just be there for you. and, you don't really have to LOVE the person... you just need to have your need satisfied, and the guy could just be someone who is ok looking, not an awful person, but willing to be there for your to whine at and to pamper you.
but he isnt what you really want.
thats the difference.

[ 06052007 2.21am | expose ]

i was 17. =D

***

whats meant to draw us closer, splits us apart further.

assumptions.
blindness.
accusations.
good night.

[ 03052007 10.21pm memories.from.the.past ]


unlike alot of other people, i have no qualms about submitting unglamourous pictures of myself.so, from right to left, me, zoe, christine, forgot who sorry!, lenette. it was some super surprise pic as i was tensely balling my fists and considering the upcoming game. i turned and got caught in the pic. i normally do that, unfortunately, because i'm alert enough to know something is going on, but have insufficient reflexes to catch it fast enough.
that was a slangg compie... counterstrike. all gals team. anyone wanna hazard a guess as to how old i was?
=x

thanks goes out to matafleur aka weiming from gamesync for sending me that pic. i'd nearly forgotten about it. incidentally, the icemat i'm using in that pic was given by him, and thats my old favourite... the logitec 3 button ball mouse! (which i still use btw)

[ 03052007 3.07pm eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ]

there's been a weird smell going on in my room for the past few days. because of it, i have taken measures like throwing out my trash, clearing up unfinished food, taking used cups down to the kitchen...
and hunting for the blind snake, which i thought might have crawled somewhere on my desk, starved and died. [click here for the blind snake story]
so after a rainy night on monday or so, the smell kinda cleared. and i more or less forgot about it.
until today, when i opened my curtain to let more fresh air in... then i saw this on my roof right outside my window:-

its some unidentifiable bunch of bones and feathers, and its all of 30cm from my window ledge.

***

as for mym, we're into top 16, through no effort of mine, since matches are either at times not favourable to me, or never get reloaded or rematched.

so there.

[ 01052007 5.03pm | grow.up ]

not that I'M very mature. but yeah, GROW UP.

***

started work at my sister's place, Pluck at 33 haji lane. its a cafe and style emporium. at least, thats how it's described on the namecard. theres ice cream, brownies, rootbeer floats, cupcakes etc etc, all desserts, and all served by me. unless my cousin or some other person happens to be in.
was supposed to open today, but i've gotten sinusitis again... it hurts to swallow and i tear everytime i do that.
so... i'm there 1230-8pm from mondays to fridays.
in between working and myming (or rather, attempting to mym, cos most of the matches don't go through) i've got no time to blog. the up side to this job is that there's 512k broadband for me to use all day long! so you'll be able to spy me online, but probably wont respond to pm's if its busy.

***

when you're beset with problems, do you run or does it make you want to fight harder?

***

met up with pinksheep the other day for lunch near her work place. nice little jap place, and i'm left with strange cravings for the octopus sashimi... =.=

***

when i'm well, i intend to go ms, go astons, and go fish and co, and go for more jap food. =D

[ 20042007 1.50am | smile* ]

i walked back today with a fantastic smile on my face. pretty impressive, if you consider that:
i have work the next day,
just rushed over from handover from the previous staff,
didnt have dinner,
made ice go home earlier without me,
wasted money at lan,
probably will get nagged at by parents tomorrow for getting back late,
was cheated by ANT and PINKSHEEP, (i SERIOUSLY feel cheated.)
had to take midnight cab back alone. (yes cass, i spend 20 each time i have to go back late from eg! cos i live at www)

but seriously, i couldnt help the smile. i think i have my Hope back.
but i have to epi in more. cos hope's not gonna be enough.

***

so... of all the people who i named to do the Weird survey, probably only pinksheep didnt reply. i wouldnt know, cos her blog is still locked. wonder what emo stuff she's hiding there.
and tml's a tawning session at bryan's. =D gals night out ftw. with a few extra guys around.
and i so know i'm gonna get scolded tml for sleeping late when he sees this post.

***

i'm re-addicted to naruto, unfortunately. i think its because i have cleared all my bleach, and i'm just aching for more. so i have to substitute it with naturo. at least most of the fillers have been cleared... jiayou torrents! quickly download!

***

i was ordered by ant to talk about our mym escapades. mym being an international online dota compie. we've cleared the regional stages i think, together with
xqr (d4rkw1sH , Alan , Ray , mArtelLx , CM , linda , Ruby , Lux),
Team Mi2 (slack-, dotrk, ahleng, jiabaoZ, WoShiCloud),
Micronology (zx, hy, dk-mag3, bouncy, queen)

so, fyi, this is my team, named after yours truly
Team tttt: AntSharK, iceiceice, riSen, ToFuBoi, furryfish, nutz
so, risen happens to be jovi aka Rf|true and nutz is warnutz. both of etny fame.

if anyone is wondering how i got into the team of all stars, i can honestly say, i dunno. just that i came back from lunch one day and saw a note on my msn from ice "go join team tttt, pword is ___ "
i'm like... har? and since he was the one who signed up a mym account for me in the first place, i didnt even know what password or user name he used. so he or ant did it all for me.
i have been fortunate enough to play the first 2 rounds with them...
first round was against gamersinc alpha.
now mym has a bunch of curious rules, one of them being, only one aegis per hero is allowed. other than that, they have rules about backdooring that singapore doesnt. and it is interesting to see how things work out with their version of how dota should be played, it is also interesting to see how the players adapt (or do NOT adapt) to the rules.
one such player would be our very own tofuboi who happily bought 2 aegis on his pudge. as ant mentioned on the asterisk zenith blog,

"It has never ceased to amaze me how you can pick up your ally's ironwood branch in base, drop it 1 second later, and get disqualified.

I'm looking forward to the day where someone gets DQed for speaking in all chat.

For the record, I've always maintained the stand that DQing for something that doesn't affect the outcome of the game even one bit is stupid beyond measure. It's just that after hearing about an incident where someone passed Roshan's Aegis after Roshaning and getting DQed, I realised that I didn't even question the circumstances and accepted without question that the marshalls actually WILL DO those things without question since they have done it so often, and that's when I figured that something was definitely wrong."

under any circumstance, regardless of the fact that we raxed gamersinc's mid and bottom already, we should have been DQed without a second thought. this is how i have always played the game, this is how i have seen rules being kept, this is how i have been taught. mym however, granted us a RM the next day. and we went down to lan for the game. although it gave us another chance to prove we were the better team, it was another hour of enduring tofu's pudge. although, admittedly, it was alot better than the day before. sadly, i cant say the same about my vs.
so, we win the game pretty easily, ice was just mia farming with his doom, and ant was bouncing around with his antchantress. jovi's sf more or less made up for my indecent vs playing... so i guess it was ok. (mian qiang...)

round 2 was against :D~~~!, also known as knightmare and the players were all ex-rEv0 people whom we all knew... eter, puresoulz, pig, retard.. and nicnic.
nothing very memorable about the match except that i was just being a pretty useless WL all game long... i'm having a useless streak and i need a bout of usefull-ness to kick me out of this rut. but its not happening. so... nevermind.
as i said, not very memorable, just that ant was antchantressing again, ice was bear who refused to get threads, jovi was sf again i think, and tofu didnt play. in his stead was warnutz using qop.
warnutz has superior dont-aim-me aura. he can have 500 hp, but the pugna will decrep blast me and the sniper will get a snipe in when i'm decreped. its a blessing that i can cast shadow word on myself when i'm decpred.
jovi and warnutz can walk together to bait and only jovi will get bolted by zeus. lol.
as i said, superior dont-aim-me aura. I ALSO WANT.

its a pity that we havent played any overseas teams... that would have been very eye-opening. next round is against micronology, i believe. and i don't think i'll be playing that round. cos its time to let warnutz tahan tofu's nonsense!

***

expectations.
they can make or break you.
my expectations are way too high when they shouldnt be. but i can't help it.
"aim for the moon, so that if you fall, you fall among the stars."
so, ok, i'll try to understand that you have off-days, even though the concept of YOU having an off-day is just... impossible to grasp. i guess i hold you to higher expectations than i hold others.
i expect so much from myself too. maybe thats why things aren't working. just too highly strung to do anything properly.
and anyway, off-day just seems so ME. and not something for you.

useless_
must become useful.

[ 16042007 11.34pm | bbqed ]

i'm bbqed cos i cant remember my email password. GG!

***

mym today was actually more fun than mym yesterday. the fact that all of us went down to GG to play made it so much better. jovi and i were actually able to communicate! and i was actally able to yell at tofu! and ant could inform me that he would be using attendant wisps so i wont run away.
in true Ant style, i shall list the things that i need to change:

1. be less of a scary person in game.
i guess i'm pretty scary if i pms over something dumb. i mean... tofu looks at me with fear before the match and practically begs me not to pms and yell at him later. however i do need to clarify that i'm different in compie and normal game. if tofu kses my neutrals on purpose in a normal game, he's pbanned from all chns i hold access to. if ant (notice, ant. not tofu) kses my neutrals in compie, i'll help him and walk away after we clear the spawn.
somehow in compies, i'm more willing to admit where i stand in the team and more willing to be helpful. because i dont have certain personal aims that i want to see, or lofty expectations that i have of myself in pub matches. which, btw, i have. i think perhaps, i hold myself to expectations which are simply way beyond my reach. playing with the best has made me aspire, and expect too much.
but all that, i put away in compie. esp if the best are on my team. =x

2. take advice better
especially when it is given with an extremely critical tone. advice is fine when it is given nicely, and not when its in a you-fking-noob-wtf-u-doing way.

3. trust my team intelligently
like... when tofu says go, remember his pudge isnt lux's and be ready to run with him when he misses hook rather than try to salvage the situation by swopping cos he would have run too far to bite, hence leaving me to die.
however, when ice or jovi say go, question not and die for them.

***

i guess there's alot more for me to write about, but these 3 are more to do with mindset and thinking, rather than game skills. my team has all the game skills we need... (more than enough to cover for my lack of, i'd like to believe) so attitude focus ftw!
STOP BEING SCARED OF ME. i'm not scary. not THAT scary at least... half the time i'm frustrated with myself not you. or you. or you or you.
TT

[ 15042007 3.53pm weird? ]

according to dictionary.com >> http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/weird

weird /wɪərd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[weerd] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation adjective, -er, -est, noun
–adjective
1. involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny: a weird sound; weird lights.
2. fantastic; bizarre: a weird getup.
3. Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny. –noun Chiefly Scot.
4. fate; destiny.

***
so before you ask why i'm suddenly giving u definitions, its because i've been passed on this chain-blog thing and i have to expose SIX weird things about myself. sorry to those poor people im gonna arrow following this... its not so much that i wanna arrow you for the sake of it. rather its because it would be interesting to read.
you see, weirndess (taking the 2nd definition, which i presume to be the relevant one, since i'm not supernatural nor am i able to control destiny) is actually subjective. i might be considered to be "weird" in some way by people, but if i am that way, i probably wont consider myself to be weird cos i'm used to the way i am.
so this would be my interpretation of what other people perceive to be weird of me, or what i know of myself that i perceive should be weird to other people.
so... lets think...

1. i like to self stalk and be a voyuer.
2. i sometimes second guess myself until i'm sure of what i believe. occassionally aloud.
3. i like to pick up bugs and creatures and crawly stuff and examine / keep them.
4. i have a mouse fetish. actually, in line with this, i have a gaming equipment fetish. i'm super particular about the equipment i use... just cos i'm more comfortable with what i have. and i dont like people using my stuff - be it my handphone, laptop, my mouse, mousepad, or keyboard. fyi, i use razer diamondback plasma / acid green, icemat black version 1 / steelpad 4s, everglide t-1000, icemat in-ear audio + mic.
5. (this point tofu just brought home to me yesterday at GG) i dont have an aim in life other than to enjoy life.
6. i used to cut my dog's fur and maintained a lion mane hairstly for him for quite a long time.

***
so the unfortunate people who i'm gonna arrow are... i think you're supposed to arrow 6 other unfortunate people after doing it.
1. daryl - cos u write funny suff.
2. cass - to give u something to write about cos the last time u were like... want to write but no topic
3. dawn pinksheep - cos u write interesting stuff too! and ure self-reflective.
4. ant - i'd like to see what you consider weird, or what u perceive other people consider weird.
5. shan - pretty much the same reason as ant.
6. anyone! just tag me if you do then i'll go read. lol.

[ 10042007 12.07pm GG ]

working at GG is fun. lol... mostly.
i snatch ppb out to buy bubble tea and go toilet with me, and i learn all kinds of interesting things.
here's how the first conversation goes:
(i pop out of the toilet pretty quickly)
ppb: wah so fast ah... got wash hands later u got pee all over your hands then u drink your bubble tea...
me: yar i wash alr... then wipe on my jeans tts why all wet... HAR? WHY WILL I HAVE PEE ON MY HANDS?
ppb: oh yar hor... you not guy...
me: orh... HAR?? WHY WILL GUY HAVE PEE ON HIS HANDS?? GUYS PEE ON THEIR HANDS???
ppb: har... orh... no la... cos you know, like need to adjust adjust... then some pee will drop on the hand lor...
me: !#$%^&*
ppb: haha... O then you know ah, at night right, cos the toilet so far, then we 4 guys go to the posb machine side and pee in one row. then will always kenna each other one lo...
me: wtf???!!!???!?!?!?!?!!?!?
ppb: (continues) then damn gross lo... go back to the lan shop with sticky feet.
***
later on, when i was slacking and helping them play match...
gurmit singh arrives and watches us play for a while before taking a com next to ppb. (next time i shall warn him not to sit next to ppb... pee pee boy lor... ) then he proceeds to ask if i am a boy or a gal...
i'm like... :wtf? i look like a boy meh?!
and the reply i get is from the back all look the same.
no wonder the place is called GG.
lol.
GGed.
depressed.
***
and there's like lots of electricity going on at GG. i was alarmed-ly telling mac to stay away from ppb when i run into fate's elbow and proceed to electric shock him with my gosu shoulder. good thing it was my shoulder and through the shirt... so not so pain for me.

i proceeded to inform dawn of what ppb told me about pee-y hands and dawn tells me about this JC classmate of hers.
(weird smell in room)
female classmate : (asks boy in front of her) whats that smell?
the male classmate : oh, shit. i forgot to wipe.
[insert a loud EEEEEEEEEEE here please ]
and according to dawn, the female classmate is a psycho clean freak... she drop new pen on the floor, will pick it up with a tissue paper and...
THROW IT AWAY.

moral of story : guys are dangerous. PBAN HOLDING HANDS. scully got like pee or shit on their hands...
and think twice before you are romantically fed by your guy... EEEEEEE

***

anyhow, my dad got baptised on sunday. =D

[ 03042007 3.15am busythoughtfullfewdays ]

is life finally settling down? perhaps.
the past few days of trials and post trials have made me think all over again.
the meaning of committment. its actually about deciding to do it. once you decide on something, and follow through, things will work out somehow.
if you always look for something better, you might find that it never comes. all teams start from the same level, adjusting, keeping some, and letting some go along the way, changing team name.... its whether the people in it commit to each other and follow through to the end.
which is why i'm so grateful for dawn and shan. we've had our good share of rough times. but in the end, its always been the three of us sticking. there's like... an unwritten bond factored in somewhere. we'll take a 5th, but the 5th becomes 6th once shan comes back, whether or not the 5th is better or worse than shan after her inactivity.
d4wn is fantastic too. shes easy to explain things to, and she reasons things out.
seems like all dawn's are level headed thinkers. lol...
asterisk. a new beginning. lets see how we continue to work things out from here.
welcoming cass d4wn and astatine to the team. =)

***

sudden influx of gals, and gals teams starting up. i lament the state of the community. once a new girl pops up, the male population gravitates there. lol... a theory cyn jy were telling me was that the dota world is the only world that many guys have. so once a gal is introduced, they find it easier to approach her through the world that they know, rather than some other gal outside of their world.
all i can say is, i wish all the gals, and gal teams there, a hearty glhf. if you think its a simple matter to get a team up and running, especially if u just throw 5 random gals together and expect it to work... then really... GLHF.
but its nice to have some competition at last. a reason for * to exist. finally.

***

first it was toga and fungae.
now its tooga and fooga.
what next?
please, its toccata and fugue.
LOL

***

TREASURE YOU!~*
[02:17:15] furryfish: i think
[02:17:41] dNLinda: hi tammine
[02:17:47] furryfish: i think
[02:17:48] furryfish: that ice
[02:17:52] furryfish: is the world's best bf
[02:17:53] furryfish: =D
[02:17:55] furryfish: dun tell him
[02:17:56] Cloudx`-: LOL ?
[02:17:57] furryfish: he sleeping alr
[02:18:02] Eterry`-: o_o
[02:18:02] Cloudx`-: did ice blackmail u to say that
[02:18:05] furryfish: nah
[02:18:06] furryfish: hes like
[02:18:12] furryfish: asleep on the phone

"dun tell him" so why i tell you for?
"i think" twice cos i was hesitating. lol!

***

i admire people who dare to flame openly on public domain. simply because, it means you are sure that you don't mind making an immediate, and long term enemy. true its your feelings and your opinions, but how sure are you those feelings and opinions won't change? how many first impressions have you changed? what makes you think this one won't change too, given some time?
in the end, it might just be a momentary prick of your pride. or a heated comment.
but i guess thats what happens when the internet is so readilly available. you type faster than you can think through what you want to do/say. or the consequences of it.
or what you say, might be misconstrued to mean something else. misinterpreted and in conjunction with the other person's lack of self esteem and personal frustration... balloon into something unexpected.
i've realised... that most things get bad, because the person is probably already sensitive about the issue that has been brought up. like this guy might have been berating himself for being a lousy bf cos of his ex who dumped him for another guy 5 years ago, then you come along and say something like... "you prick what for you leave that dota game, stupid nerd, no wonder got no gf." [broken english intended, insert vulgarities in any language you wish just make sure its in profusion]
ggnore, you hit his sensitive spot (i dont mean below the belt that area ya...) and without really knowing why he's so upset with the comment, he flares up and pwns u flat. woot? KTB or.

***

it was actually interesting to speak to you again and it made me think of the time when things were still ok and when things were all starting out new. before all the initial problems. even though i don't really know if it was really you, or someone hijacking your com. for once its without animosity, and about something pretty neutral. even if it was a grand total of 2 lines?
guess i'm not one who can hold grudges.
yeah sherica, this para's for you.
ps, the vs was ice. no surprise there. have no idea why there was concealment going on in the first place. not my doing. *shrugz*

***

if any team needs tips on trialing, feel free to ask me. i can give useful suggestions! there's definitely more logistics to handle than you think k!

***

i just realised that this entry took the good part of an hour to complete. alot of thinking went into it... and alot of thoughts went through my mind when i was composing it. jumbled up now and wanna tok to him. but he's a s l e e p.

[ 29032007 12.34 all you need to know ]

asterisk* trials

Venue/Time
3pm, 31st March @ Gaming GiantsKatong Shopping Centre#B1-35/38

Format of Trials
(subject to change)Version: 6.40

ROUND 1
(-apspdu)1v1 (3X 1v1 per game)
Time Limit: up to 20 minutes
- No ganking, no runes, no neutrals, no power-ups, no item sharing (includes chicken), no lane changing, no item restrictions
- Hero choices will be your own
- Starting gold will be same as a 5v5

ROUND 2
(-apsp)5v5
Time Limit: up to 40 minutes
- No item restrictions, no item sharing (includes chicken)
- Both teams will draft before game commences

You will be judged on aspects such as:
- Creeps farmed/denied
- Item build
- Creep and lane control
- Coordination/assistance to team-mates
- Awareness

Notice
- Please be on time (no later than 15 minutes)
- You will be required to sign-in and fill up a form (approach anyone at the counter if you cannot find the * members)
- Trials will be FOC (no LAN charges will be incurred)
- As of now, 12 girls have expressed interest and have confirmed with us that they will be present this Saturday. We urge all other girls who have not responded to do so as soon as possible so we can make proper arrangements.

Girls listed for trials – kim, d4wn, kelly, claire, cass, yann, maria, impulsedragon, dragon's friend, lingzi, jaime

Good Luck Have Fun!

***
i was reflecting on the game played on saturday.
i won't say we played well. but i can say we were having fun. and its been a while since we've really had fun as a team. cos in the end, a win against them isn't really worth anything. no win is worth anything, except a win against the best.
we have come a long way. and its nice to see how things worked out in the end, and interesting to guess how things will be in the future. when cyn and jy left, i was almost ready to go find a mixed team and forget about an all gals team. too many hurdles, too many politics. but shan dawn and i, somehow stuck around.

and, i like challenges.

[ 27032007 4.13pm HELP HAS ARRIVED! ]

to all you singnet subscribers out there... who cannot view some blogs, like my asterisk* zenith blog, this is what you have to do !

for internet explorer:

Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
u go tools -> internet option -> connections tab -> lan settings
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
the check the use proxy server
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
address is proxy.singnet.com.sg
port is 8080
then bypass proxy server for local addresses
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
then should work le

for firefox:


Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
the firefox is almost the same
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
tool -> options -> advanced tab
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
network tab
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
settings..
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
Manual Proxy config
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
use this proxy ....
checked
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
then the http proxy and port is the same as what u did for ie
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
no proxy for : localhost, 127.0.0.1
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
if its not there
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
automatic proxy config dont check it

HOWEVER:


Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
if some of ur download sites are blocked
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
u have to remove the use of the proxy
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
just uncheck the box
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
not remove but "not using"
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
cuz now u are surfing that page by going through a proxy server
Leon™: What would I do without friends.. says:
so some download websites are blocked by singnet

***
this makes me very happy!

[ 27032007 12.23am bend.it.like.beckham.revived ]

i just caught the show again today. and alot of what the show was about rang true.
its about fighting for what you want to do, against your race, culture, and most importantly- social stereotypes.
it also brings in the politics which can happen even among the like minded females fighting on the same soccer team. even though i feel this bit wasn't elaborated on sufficiently- the point of conflict being a guy that 2 of them were interested in.

as you all know, asterisk is opening up for trials. and the fundamentals of why i game, the reason behind an all gals team, have been questioned. all this has made me question my motives once again...

its not easy to pursue gaming for me. through my entire schooling career, it was always studies first, game when i have the time. i can only thank God for giving me enough discipline so that i managed to complete my studies without retaining, and even, doing well enough.
its not just may parents though, a lady from an agency called me the other day and she asked me what i have been part timing as. after i gave her my impressive list of gaming related part time jobs, she was totally astounded... she was like"but that totally doesnt fit your profile!" i do have to go against what i've been taught all my life about what a successful student from my line should be like after graduation.

my parents are just starting to panic about how much i game, maybe its cos i'm alot free-er now to pursue my long time hobby, whatever it is, they have been referring me to sites and articles about gaming addiction. =.="
also, they dont see it as a wholesome activity. they'd rather i be out there teaching orphans to read and keeping the elderly company. stuff like that. but i'm not so selfless. in fact, if you wanna come down to it, i'm actually a pretty selfish person. most of us are, i guess. its just whether you want to admit it or not.
so, i'd like to go into a career to do with gaming. but i think they wont have it. of course if i really want to, there isnt anything much that they can do to stop me, but i know they wont be thrilled. which is interesting, since they've always said things like "why game so much? gaming can earn you a living is it?"

another reason why its so difficult is that i'm simply, not good enough. see, in the show, jess was good enough. she had the raison detre to defy everything she was taught.
i dont.

Originally Posted by xsomebodyx
Honestly, yes. If they can do well in games like CS, why can't they excel in DotA too? By comparing them with guys, it's not really fair, as studies have shown that the proportion of male gamers is slightly more than female gamers. BUT on the other hand, the number of female gamers have increased dramatically over the past decade. Seriously, I don't see why we won't be able to see top female teams duking it out with top male teams in competitions.Oh yes, I just thought of something else. Has anyone ever considered MIXED TEAMS? =D That would be uber cool or.

me:"end of the day, there are many reasons why i would choose to commit to my gals team than a mixed team, simply because, if i'm in a mixed team, i would EXPECT to win. not that i dont want to win in a gals team, just that its expectations vs dream/aim.and you dont have the silent pressure that you're being blamed by the guys."

Originally Posted by <3dwarf
usually gers are thot to be a weaker gender, be it sports, gaming, etc... but it's kinda true you see, usually if gers started the same time as guys in any of these activities, most likely the guys will win, not sure why, however there's still possibility that gers can win in gaming but sports i wud have to say nah... good luck asterisk! wee ^^

me:"tell that to my male sailing teammates back in JC who used to run their 2.4km slower than me. and its not that they are weak. i used to do 11minutes."

when all's said and done :
xsomebodyx"gogo gals out there prove to the guys that u r up to the challenge =D (sry i just want more eyecandy :X)"

=.="

its an age old debate. and i dont believe either side will ever be totally convinced of the other.

***

back to asterisk* trials...
kim, d4wn`, kelly, kelly's fren, cass, kristin, impulsedragon, impulsedragon's friend, hq gal, nicole, lingzi, yann
12. anymore takers?

***

i watch you while you are sleeping

you belong to me~*

[ 25032007 2.09pm recruitment! ]

dear all,
i am pleased to announce that asterisk*[X3M] is recruiting, so please inform and encourage your female dota friends to attend our trials. we are looking at taking 2-3 new members to our team. trials are tentatively set for next satuday 31st March at Gaming Giants at katong shopping centre at 3PM. Details can also be found on the asterisk zenith blog or dotasg forums : http://www.dotasg.com/forums/showthread.php?p=20797#post20797

pre-requisites:-
1) must be FEMALE. males need not apply.
2) preferably not studying, or not in a crucial exam year.
3) have decent connection + com at home to train. or able to go lan to train with the rest of the team online.
4) can commit to at least ONE training session weekly.

trials will be held at Gaming Giants at katong shopping centre and we require you to be down in person so we can verify your sex. this is NON-NEGOTIABLE.we look forward to meeting you soon.

Gaming Giants
Katong Shopping Centre
#B1-35/38
(below Asteriods cyber cafe, where the old DC8 used to be. go down the stairs near the POSB atm outside Katong Shopping Centre. its on the right.)

[ 23032007 1.06pm | doGgY- ]

ok. i'm suddenly + a new cocker spaniel. his name is muffin and he used to belong to my sister. my mum agreed take him to live in our house on the condition that my dad and i look after him, and that i take him to my house when i get married. =.="

***
anyway, asterisk* is opening trials, those female dota players out there, pls fall in, leave me tags / buzzes, ANYTHING. dont worry too much about personal skill... we'll trial and see how things go. theres other factors than personal skill that we look at.

***
some blogs are down... i dunno why... is it cos of pakistan? http://www.withinandwithout.com/?p=657

[ 17032007 10.16pm how to tell a girl that you like her ]

here's a useful guide for all you lousy guys or nerds out there who have no idea what to do about the girl you like. [cough*ant*cough]
or maybe you're just curious to know.
take it all with a pinch of salt though, because its coming from ME.
***
before i get into it, lets start with a quote. an actual conversation today at sakae sushi actually.
ant: so ice, how do you tell a girl that you like her. or how do you let her know?
ice: erm... well, you ignore her, don't talk to her, wait for her to talk to you, act mysterious...
ant: ok... its very clear that ice doesn't want me to EVER get a gf.
the rest of us: ROFLOL.
lux: ant is COOL man!
***
so with that for background... here goes.
there are some things to consider before you tell the girl you like her.
1) do i know her well enough, or at least how she is like?
2) does she have a bf already?
3) is she straight?
4) do you think she likes you? or at least likes having you around?
5) are you un-attached?
6) are you, in the least, compatible with her?
if you answered no to any of these points, then u better think twice, thrice... many times.

so, actually 1) is subjective. because she may not exactly be very close to you personally, but if she's part of the group you hang out with, chances are you'll have gotten some kind of idea of how she is like. cos, no matter how you may try, there's always things about another person that you will never really know. i mean, my parents for example, have been married for like... 30 years or something and they still do discover new things about each other that they havent known.
actually, if you said no to 1) and/or 6) you could actually take a risk and tell her. however, if you answered no to 2-4, then, STAY CLEAR, or you're asking for Trouble with a capital T.
***
so after considering these points, and you've decided that you just wanna let her know, i've found that sometimes actions speak much louder than words.
a sincere look in the eyes with unguarded affection (although you may be talking to her about something as trivial as the weather) sometimes does the trick better than telling her directly, especially if you just got to know her. however, i do expect that she will require a confession in future just to make sure that her gut feelings were right.
so... hang around with her lots, and talk to her when you can, but not going overboard doing so, cos it might get a little irritating.
if it gets to the point where she starts asking you weird questions and pressing you for answers, perhaps asking for your contacts as well, its 80% sure that you've hooked her.
which is the right time for you to just express in words how you feel about her.
***
=D
and thats it for furryfish's guide to confessing your affections to a girl.

[ 16032007 9.16pm confused. ]

going to sleep unhappy and then proceeding to have weird dreams doesnt do much for your mood the next day.
i'm camping in my room, avoiding the relatives who are flooding my living room downstairs. upstairs is out of bounds for the kids, so i'm quite isolated here. happily so.
spent the day considering things, while slicing mushrooms/washing plates/cutting eggs/frying garlic etc etc. so much so that mum actually asked why i was so unhappy. tired perhaps.
ok. a kid just intruded. grr.
***
the dream:
its more the non action than the action that bothers me. if you saw something like that happening in front of you... yet did nothing about it... its telling me something.
***
funan interschool:
stuck at home while the games were all being played, no commentators down today... actually a blessing in disguise or i'd have to cast solo. and it was refreshing to be alone for the day... reading... and slacking off from helping mum
***
the night before:
"i know you well, i know your smell...
i've been addicted to you..."
i think i'm losing myself, in a very... subtle way. i cant exactly express it any other way other than that. there doesnt seem to be something i can hold on to that i can call MINE and MINE alone anymore. or maybe, i just cant see what is mine.
"once i thought that all i had was mine,
that what was mine, would always be..."
maybe this is what happens to rafflesians after they finish schooling... with the rafflesian culture so strong... its absence is a palpable loss. perhaps we all need something or somewhere to belong to. i am defined by my past.
and suddenly i'm not sure if i want change in my life, or whether i'm scared of changes.
this is the state of mind which should be accompanied by an overnight session by the beach. preferably with a fishing rod in hand, friends in calling distance, but not too close by...
at the end of it all, i'm stronger than my confusion. thats just something i'm not confused about.

just remember that i loved you before you were anything~*

[ 13032007 10.48pm tired.of.fun ]

i'm in a super tired state. and i've been really busy the past few days. so... it all started when my parents left for malaysia on friday morning. that day, i went to watch 300 with kaldorei + friends. lol... leng's bus pass FTW. following which we had training at HQ where i accidentally alt-Q-Q. -_-
***
saturday amk raiders compie as well as gamers inc compie, after which we chionged cloud's house - cloud ant ice and i.
one thing i have to say about ant, he's one of the very few mutual friends who actually doesnt mind tagging along with ice and i, without comments like "dian deng pao" and such. lol... its actually quite appreciated. but i guess ant doesn't appreciate it... cos we molest him. HAHA.
anyway, we trotted over to cloud's place where ice proceeded to hog the computer, and me cloud's dog. haha. ant was just staring mouth agape at ice's games. zz.
but i have to say, that the few games of bridge were just damn fun. cloud was not bad for a first timer, but ice seriously blew. so much for faking that he knew how to play just so he stay at the com and not do the walk through demo game with us. LOL!
"i bid for 3 diamonds. partner 2 of spades."
TT"
***
sunday, i was just totally unable to wake up for church... =.=" and when i finally dragged myself out of bed it was to go to gamers inc to check out the final day of games, which zenith won of course. xqR came in second, joey pulling the qop 2dr throne trick twice.
had dinner and met an old colleague from egames.
then... due to the incident (as mentioned on asterisk*zenith) i went over to gaming giants for the remainder of the night.
***
yesterday, woke up early for shoutcasting at funan interschool compie, only to have the games start a couple of hours late. start late = end late, and ant+ice+gears of war = super late. so we got to shan's bbq at around...... 9pm? no more food cept for chicken wings! TT"
oh yes, before i forget,
11th march - jiayi + ant's birthday. and cass also!
12th march - shan + tofu's birthday.
thats almost half our teams having birthdays within the last 2 days.
had a really nice time chatting with the people at her bbq last night... cept that my ass is hurting from sitting on that see saw with ant. =.=" strangely, he feels no pain.
***
today - late for commentating, and many absent commentators! one hit head one in malaysia still. thank goodness for ant cos i was too zonked to drag myself there early.
home early!
***
tomorrow- commentating all day long again, parents returning from malaysia!

***
boring post, but i wanna remember these few days...

The Happiest Monster

yay! can view it straight here alr... i managed to set it up!

[ 06032007 8.54pm super damn cute ]

haha... you'll regret it if you dont watch this youtube clip.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qg8mZKbUzwE
its so freaking cute i cant stand it.
***
anyhow i found this interesting article somewhere on msn.
http://www.slate.com/id/2160481?nav=ais
"Beauty and the Geek Maybe good looks do make you smarter." By Tim Harford

some of it really rings true... lol

Perhaps beautiful people are better at their jobs. There is no mystery as to why we want decorative Hollywood stars, but the same logic might apply to sales staff. Even a bureaucrat might be more persuasive if he or she is good-looking, and who wouldn't want persuasive employees instead of charmless ones?

Remember, too, that beautiful people have probably been treated well all their lives. This might affect abilities that have nothing, ostensibly, to do with appearance: If handsome kids get all the attention from teacher, why would they not do better at school?

something to think about ya?

[ 06032007 12.43pm SAD!!!!! ]

last night, taking a slow (and very long) walk back home from tampines, i spied a little wriggling thing on the path ahead. scuttling over, i discovered that it was a rarely seen little beauty. a brahminy blind snake! it was about 10cm in length and thinner than your mouse wire. so, of course, me being me, i picked it up and brought it home. [lol! examining it under microscope at the gas station eh?] it feels exquisite against your skin... like a moving metal chain, cool and sleek, its little tongue a treat to see as it flickered in and out occassionally, so small that it was finer than a strand of hair.
i brought it home and kept it in a container in my room, leaving it ajar so as not to suffocate it. and when i woke this morning, it was gone! somewhere in my room. TT" i hope it survives. and i'm so sad that i cant hold it again...
maybe my mum let it go... cos she doesnt like me capturing bugs and stuff... all very well for her, SHE eats them. *thinks of the 2 poor beetles she recently chomped into*

anyhow heres a pic of it, taken off the web, cos i had no time to take one of mine... SO SADDDD

and here's the link if you'd like to know more about it!

http://www.ecologyasia.com/verts/snakes/brahminy_blind_snake.htm

[ 05032007 1.15pm dreammmm ]

i had a really weird dream last night... it woke me up and i told you~* about it immediately. the joys of all night long phone zzing.
it has convinced me totally on one point. before i get to the point, let me relate my dream.

i dreamt that my mum was in a raid with some of her guy friends, playing on my laptop and other laptops in my bedroom. (ok, this is from what little understanding i have of WoW, i mean, i dont even know what kinda items you get and what a raid is exactly.)
so, yes, she was WoW-ing and she was about to pick up an ogre axe thing (mixture of dota and WoW maybe?) which added +20 strength and which she totally needed because her character just levelled and couldnt use the lousier items that she had. (k i know this part doesnt make sense, but its a DREAM yo..) as she was about to pick it up, her friend stole it. and she got so mad that she stabbed him to death in the stomach, repeatedly, with an ice pick. ON MY BED.
strangely, he didnt make any noise as he was being stabbed... and i would think that death by an ice pick would be something like poking a piece of agar agar with a tooth pick... NOT a pretty picture.

and where was i through all this? i was sleeping in the computer room, then i finally decided that i had enough of being thrown out of my room, so i went and demanded to sleep in my own bed, strangely, the fact that someone was just murdered there didnt bother me at all, i was too sleepy. so my mum, i think, dragged the body off the bed and dumped it at the foot. and suddenly the room was empty. halfway through my sweet sleep, i woke up with a start, realising very very suddenly that my mum murdered someone. so i got out of bed and trooped over to her room, stepping on the dead guy's bloody middle in the process. i could feel the wetness in my dream...
and she was crying in her room, very upset that she killed him. =.="
i took a peek at my ankles which were somehow stained with DRIED blood, even though i JUST stepped on him.
everything was in colour. very detailed. i even know which bedsheets were on my bed...

so what, you may ask, is the point that i was getting at since the start of this account?
what the main point is, is that WoW is evil.

here's a treat for all you self-proclaimed tofuboi fans out there! pic taken from gamesync gallery, from RP's ex3 gaming compie, i believe.

current thread featuring zenith players at :
http://www.dotasg.com/forums/showthread.php?p=18421&posted=1#post18421

[ 03032007 2.03pm to YOU. you know who you are ]

hello. i cant reply on your tagboard, i hate flooble. and anyway there isnt enough space. so here is what i was looking for, and as it is backdated quite abit, naturally i would look through the pages at the back, yes, past page 5. lol.
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/animals
its the fur bearing trout! somewhere towards the end of the page.
incidentally, they took the key words "furry fish" out of the article, so i was searching in vain.

and well, honestly, i have NOTHING to do. having graduated from NUS last year, and not having a permanent job yet, of course i have time to burn. ^^

i was actually pretty intrigued by your argument on how anything can be found online with just the hit of the enter key. i guess that is particularly pertinent in my case since the nature of my hobby is internet based. as a matter of fact, i do sometimes search my nick to see what comments have been going around about me, where i'm linked to etc. VOD's of interviews and games i've done/ commentated are, well... pretty much publicised, so it is interesting to know where they are being linked to and what is said about them. i dont usually make my presence known on sites where i've seen my name mentioned, what i did on yours is a precedence. =D

[ sneaky grin at all you other people who blog about me and think i dont see what you write. ]

as for your dilemna, i say you pick what you wanna do. which appears to be archi. be true to yourself, thats how i ended up with a geog major.

***

that said, i am presently dying my hair black. i hope it turns out DARK, cos i have no time and money to waste on another dye job at a salon. OMGOSH which means i cant use my headset while playing game for an hour from now... laptop sound sucks. oh well.

***

i had an interesting night at egames, contrary to what the masses might think, i do not actually haunt egames everyday, or even every week. so last night was a refreshing change from chionging games at home in the solitude of my room, or my dad's computer room. the lan experience does make a change... its nice to play and hear you by my side. mostly.~*

gearing up for an upcoming competition, for those of you who are wondering who is in my new team, well... too bad, but you're not gonna get it out of me. YET.

anyhow, wcg smu qualifiers and funan interschool coming up as well, that just means i gotta start drowning myself with water for 4 hr straight commentating sessions again. in addition, parents are going overseas again! which makes for good tawn-ing opportunities. but somehow i realise that we always lack water when we tawn.

k. starting to ramble and become one of those boring blogs where the author only talks on and on about her/his life. eeeee...

one last grumble, if i may...

i miss my longer hair!!!!!!!